Alan Greenwood

If anyone was not startled by the following headline, they need to be rescued from pandemic exhaustion.

“South Korean soccer team accused of putting sex dolls in seats.”

Ah, the new normal goes rogue.

FC Seoul was accused by Gwangju FC of populating its stadium with sex dolls, apparently hoping the sight of such immobile spectators might spur it on to victory. If that was the aim, FC Seoul achieved it, taking a 1-0 win.

In reality, judging by photos of the “fans” as offered by the Associated Press, the home team’s claim that it used mannequins to enhance the ambiance of the stadium is verified. They were all tastefully dressed, posed in such a way as to resemble clean-cut rooters with nothing in mind except futbol.

They even maintained proper social distance with at least two seats separating them from their fellow fans.

It is highly unlikely that the NFL would mimic FC Seoul. Unfortunately, it seems there is a real chance that it will generate crowd noise in its stadiums if fans are not yet allowed to mingle in groups of 60,000.

That would complete the transformation of stadiums into giant TV studios. Vintage situation comedies utilized laugh tracks so why not pump up the volume in empty football stadiums?

Only to points of reference come to mind in trying to envision the feel of an empty stadium: The Three Stooges classic “Three Little Pigskins,” in which the guys posed as college football stars trying to protect their amateur status. As their hoodlum boss said, “nobody will ever see you play, nobody will ever here you play. We’ll play it behind closed doors.”

The most memorable game before an announced crowd of zero was the Orioles-White Sox game at Camden Yards. The city reeled in violent turmoil after the arrest of a young man named Freddie Gray, who died in police custody. With the city shut down, the Orioles defeated the White Sox, 8-2.

“Our guys were really ready to play and were really professional about it,” then-Orioles manager Buck Showalter said. “It was a pretty good game for us. We played pretty crisp. And it also hit me that it lasted two hours and (three minutes). I told the guys on the competition committee, ‘If you want to see how to speed up the game, watch that ballgame,’ because there were a lot of things (without fans) – no walkup music, no ‘Clap your hands, you’re supposed to make noise.’ ”

It was finished in 2 hours, 8 minutes.

Silence may be truly golden.

Contact Alan Greenwood at 594-1248 or agreenwood@nashuatelegraph.com.