So, where are you? Come on. I need to know.

Which ones of you out there actually bought the Boston Red Sox’ attempt at camouflaging the Mookie Betts salary dump?

At one point, club president Sam Kennedy turned the press conference into a late-night infomercial, pitching those chilly April and May nights at Fenway with this “tier 5” this and family that.

Bottom line, Sam.

Nobody is buying.

Or are you folks?

I need you, the people of Telegraph Nation, to tell me you’re ready to fill the tank, load the car and fork over just under $500 for the day at Fenway, the world’s most uncomfortable ball park.

The last time I looked the tiniest seats on the planet with the lack of leg room to match, often forcing you to stare into the center field bleachers as opposed to the action in the infield, are still the most expensive tickets on the planet, be it a frigid April Tuesday night against the Rays or a splendid Sunday in May against those cheating scoundrels from Houston (more on them later).

Yet, here are gozillianaire John Henry and his partner Tom Werner – the guy who helped make Bill Cosby the star he is today – sitting there, looking like a Geico commercial with noses growing, telling us that Mookie and Price for a broken back and two buckets of baseballs is the deal that will help get the Red Sox back to greatness.

Along the way, grab a $15 sausage or three $12 beers and don’t even think about trying to sneak a bottled water into Friendly Fenway.

You’ll pay the gouged $5 pricetag for your Poland Springs like everyone else.

If this wasn’t so nauseating, it would be humorous.

I totally understand the Sox plight. They have gone the pay-out-the-nostrils route for decades now under this regime.

And those of us who weren’t born on this side of the century change have some perverse attachment to the game of baseball and all it has devolved into.

We are gluttons for abuse, what with these four-hour marathon games, sabermetrics, umpires with attitude and little desire to call strikes on strikes.

We watch the numbers skyrocket. Yes, this is where I talk about paying $3.75 for general admission in the 1980s and sitting on the right field line, literally, to watch games in April and May.

We have this attachment, a lust to addict our children with these same memories of Fenway, the Monster, etc., blah, blah, blah.

The Boston Red Sox traded Mookie Betts and David Price, despite still paying half of the latter’s salary for the next three years, for Alex Verdugo, Jeter Downs and Connor Wong.

And less than a week later, ownership is looking to sell you on how a special summer it will be at Fenway Park.

I know I can’t stop you from buying tickets and actually sanctioning this Madoff-like scam. I just need to know who you are.

And to be able to put a name and face to this grand old game larceny.

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