Get your CVS Jabot

Why didn’t I think of that? A fabric scarf that looks like one of those CVS receipt tape worms. If you shop there (I do), you know what I mean. You get roughly five feet of scrolling coupons to save 15 cents on your next purchase of gum and a few other things. Mostly, it’s L’Oreal makeup that I’ll never use. But I digress.

A woman named Kathryn Hughes is getting $19.95 for her handmade, hand-cut fabric versions of the drugstore’s interminable coupon slip ‘n slides. Now there’s an idea. Slip ‘n Slide.

Turn on the hose and stretch your receipts onto the lawn during the summer and watch the kids enjoy themselves. Someone asked me why anyone would pay $20 for this questionable fashion accessory? Simple. Using a real CVS receipt as a scarf would give your neck infected paper cuts. Who needs that aggravation? Then again, if you’re lucky, the paper roll might contain $1-off a bottle of Bactine pain-relieving cleansing spray. Problem solved.

Or shellac them and convert them into downhill skis. Or tire ramps for getting cars onto those auto transport 18-wheelers. Why didn’t I think of that? Oh, wait. I did. Feel free to steal my intellectual property. I will not take you to court. If I do, I’m sure the judge and her robe will include a CVS receipt judicial sash around her neck, in place of a jabot, or neck doily. I can see Ruth Bader Ginsburg rocking this on the Supreme Court.

Kathryn Hughes and not I, thought of this. She’s a teacher and was inspired to duplicate the laughably long paper receipt after one of her students jokingly wore one as a scarf. Are you listening, Shark Tank?

Ms. Hughes wasn’t the only person with the idea. A Chicagoan, Alan Salganik made one for himself and after receiving many compliments, he started selling them. Why didn’t I think of this?

To be fair, CVS allows customers to opt out of paper coupons in favor of receiving them electronically. Imagine the surprise of that Nigerian computer hacker when he downloads one of these beauties, instead of Warren Buffet’s American Express Black card account number.

A guy named Jordan from Delaware is cut from the same cloth as Kathryn and is selling CVS receipt neck ties.

What else didn’t I think of? You know how difficult it is to pull a fully-filled plastic trash can liner from its holder, right? Someone is selling garbage cans with holes drilled on the side near the bottom to help break the seal of the bag’s vacuum effect. Brilliant.

Here’s one on the house. Need a coffee cup holder for your car that’s better than the center console? Put a roll of duct tape on the center floorboard of your vehicle. Then place your Dunks drink in the roll hole. Will it slide around? Nooooo. Its stickiness should keep it in place.

Meanwhile, I’m sending CVS a five-foot long itemized invoice for the free publicity.