Mike Morin

As I reached for my wallet to pay for a considerable engine repair last week, the service advisor said, with a straight face, “Your investment is $2,394.23.” I paused to let that sink in.

“Wait, did you say my investment,” I said with a lilt of laughter in my voice?

“Yes, investment,” the guy echoed politely. It was my ah ha moment regarding the phrase “words matter.” I expected that amount as I had to approve the investment figure before any work was done. Sensing my tongue-in-cheek response, the advisor said, “It’s why I keep a box of tissues handy.” I cried then offered, “I’d rather have a Jell-O shot than a Kleenex next time, if you can arrange it.” Laughter ensued.

Wait! Shouldn’t he be paying me for my abbreviated stand-up comedy?

All was not lost. I read the four-page itemized invoice and noticed I was given a $25.00 customer loyalty discount. That didn’t last long. The final line item charge was for $24.78, under “customer pays shop supplies and disposal fees for repair order.” So, I netted 22-cents from my loyalty spiff. My $2400 “investment” yielded 22-cents. Now I know how holders of cryptocurrencies, tokens, and Block chain assets feel. On Monday I had $2400. On Tuesday it became 22-cents.

I didn’t see Sam Bankman-Fried anywhere at the pay stations. He allegedly stole $8-billion on his foundation of deception. No faking here. I paid my money and got my car fixed. Was it an investment as was suggested? As a writer, I know wordplay when I hear it. That was wordplay, no doubt suggested by managers. Words matter. No one was fooled here. I’d drop that from the checkout script.

So, if like me, you have $2400 burning a hole in your pocket like I once did, forbes.com offers the best instruments for safety and returns for your investment dollars. And If you have a good year based on this tip, don’t pay me anything. Remember I am a fiduciary columnist. Just buy me a Popeye’s spicy chicken sandwich from the shack on the Daniel Webster Highway. Spoiler alert: You will not find Bitcoin on this list but it could be a sleeper since it has tanked of late. Bitcoin could be due for a Paxlovid-induced rebound. Here you go:

• High yield savings accounts.

• Certificates of Deposit

• Gold (I just checked. It’s up nearly $200/ounce since November 4)

• U.S. Treasury Bonds

• Savings Bonds

• Corporate Bonds

• Real Estate

These are pretty old school conservative investments. Everyone’s grandmas gave Savings Bonds for first Communions and Christmas gifts. Speaking of first Communions, I made mine in 1959. I remember receiving two shiny, uncirculated 1921 Peace silver dollars. The next day I had my dad deposit them in my paltry savings account. Today, those same shiny silver dollars command up to $2,000 in pristine condition. Dang it! Just one of those bad boys would have covered my car repair. If only I would have gotten a bit of divine intervention that day!

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