Don Canney

Raise your hand if you, like me, get way too many SPAM phone calls and SPAM emails on any given day. The classic and most common (or should I say most annoying) call, of course, is the SPAM, AKA Robocall, that tells you your auto warranty has expired. If I bought every one of those auto warranties for my present vehicle, it would be covered for the next century. SPAM calls range from the ubiquitous auto warranty coverage “special offers,” to political fund raisers, to those callers advising you that they can rid you of your timeshare, even if you don’t own one!

SPAM emails are a bit different. Per Mr. Webster, the definition of SPAM is: “Unsolicited email, often of a commercial nature, sent indiscriminately to multiple mailing lists, individuals, or newsgroups; junk email.” It Is certainly all of that, and then some.

One Google account states “The name originates from a Monty Python sketch, where the name of the canned pork product, SPAM, is annoying and unavoidable. Just like SPAM email.”

Even with the best antivirus software, those pesky emails seem to get through but hopefully end up in a SPAM folder. Many have subject matters that make zero sense. I received two the other day with the subject lines: “bbfph” and “sivef” respectively. Huh? Why would anyone expect me to open those?

We see SPAM from every political or social cause imaginable. Some emails even seem to originate from names of people we know, adding another degree of difficulty and a false sense of security. And attempting to opt out seems to bring on even more of the same, as opening them just confirms you have a working email.

I am leery of offering my email or phone number to anyone, even for “free” offerings, as it seems that within a week of doing so, my email and phone is jammed with junk mail and calls. It never ends.

I now find myself longing for the good old days, when SPAM was a relatively good thing. Not necessarily good for you, but certainly not as annoying as today’s version of SPAM. I am speaking, of course, about SPAM, the meat product, and I am perhaps using the term meat very loosely.

SPAM in a can was introduced during World War II as a meal option for GIs in battle. Per one Google account, SPAM is an acronym for “Specially Processed American Meat.” Yet, per another story from the SPAM Museum (yes, there is such a place at the parent company Hormel’s headquarters) “Ken Digneau, the brother of a Hormel executive, came up with the name — a portmanteau word for “spiced ham” — in a naming contest and got $100 as a reward. The new product was introduced on July 5, 1937.”

It was, and still is, a highly processed meat, with all the fat, sodium, and fillers doctors advise we shouldn’t be consuming, particularly in today’s health-conscious society. But it has a long shelf life, which is why it was popular as a food in battle because it needed no refrigeration or special handling. Strangely, the largest consumer of SPAM in the country is Hawaii, attributed to the fact that many GIs were stationed there during the war, and it was eventually adopted into the local culture.

Back in the day, our moms would fry it up to disguise it as a hot meal, add it to a casserole, or put it between two slices of bread for school lunches. It could also be used for a ham salad, ground up and mixed with mayo, relish and whatever your imagination could conjure up for a sandwich. Not exactly a gourmet offering, but a meal, nonetheless. It could be sliced up and stacked on a Ritz cracker. When Andy Griffith once said back in his old ’60’s and ’70’s TV commercials, “Nothing tastes better than something on a Ritz,” I’m not sure he had SPAM in mind.

Oh well, my phone is ringing again, I can almost tell by the sound of the ring it’s a SPAM call. I think my auto warranty is expiring. …

Don Canney is a freelance writer and professional voice artist. He was born and raised in downtown Nashua with great interest in Nashua history circa 1950-1970. He now resides in Litchfield.