Mike Morin

This may be the final column I write as a free man. No, I am not getting married this week. I have taken an accounting of my life and freely admit I have broken many laws, some of which could land me in the big house.

I was inspired to look inward after reading that an 84-year old man in the U.K. was caught driving without a license – something he has done for 72 years! Plus, his car was unregistered and uninsured. It made me wonder what laws I break on a regular basis, though I am fully legal behind the wheel, except that…

I glance at my mobile phone, while it serves as my GPS, when driving. I think any use of a cellular device while operating your car is illegal in New Hampshire. I never text while driving but use my phone to assist in navigating the many one way streets in Nashua.

I’m pretty confident I exceed the posted speed limit from time to time. That’s illegal. Also, I am a notorious jay walker. Waiting for the walk/don’t walk signal to give me a pedestrian right-of-way takes forever, so if I’m crossing Main street to get to Surf Restaurant, and the nearest car is either in Merrimack or Tyngsboro, I will sprint across the lanes, away from the nearby crosswalk. Life is short. Plus, I’m hungry.

I will be breaking gambling laws next Sunday, with my “for entertainment purposes only” football squares game for the Super Bowl. I don’t think I’ve ever met a person who’s been nabbed for accepting 10-dollar Super Bowl bets.

As you can see by now, I am a jay walking, talking scofflaw. Even though I’m not aware that Nashua has any laws that prohibit dogs from startling wildlife, which mine often did during the great squirrel glut of 2018, you can get a ticket in the U.S. National Parks if your shi tzu startles a Buffalo in Yellowstone. Need proof? Here it is: The Code of Federal Regulations (Section 2.17 (4)).

Here’s a biggie for me: photocopying a text book. Granted, it’s rarely enforced, but if the local culinary police had been out to get you, you might have found yourself sharing a jail cell with Martha Stewart, when she wore an orange jumpsuit. I have enough copied cookbook recipes in my possession, that a judge could ring me up to be eating prison food with other home cooks who violated copyright infringement laws.

An old New Hampshire law prohibits operating machinery on Sundays. Including your snow blower, leaf blower and your extrusion blow molding machine. And if you own a stinky car, avoid driving through New Jersey and Pennsylvania where your pine-scented Christmas tree air freshener dangling from the rear view mirror, could get you a ticket.

Finally, playing music at a wedding could require you to pay licensing fees similar to those ponied up by radio stations.

Time for me to stop humming Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody when I’m in Shaw’s.

Contact Mike Morin at mike morinmedia@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @MikeMorinMedia. His column runs the first, third and fifth Sundays of the month.