Mike Morin

Artificial intelligence (AI). Can’t live with it, can’t live without it, unless you reside in a hut on the Appalachian Trail. Even then, each hut has geo positioning coordinates, so that Big Brother’s GPS system knows exactly where every cabin is. Last column, I shared that your car collects driving data over time and can actually predict braking, speeding and other behind-the-wheel misbehavior.

Annoying? “Yes,” I say. If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. With that attitude in mind, I am going to suggest other AI applications to make my life better, instead of ratting me out to my auto insurance company and law enforcement.

• Why can’t a smoke detector differentiate burning food on the stove versus acrid smoke that comes from an actual house fire? Do burning pork chops smell like flaming paper or combusting oily rags? No! they do not. By time the smoke alarm goes off, I’m already in the car heading to Wendy’s for dinner. Now, if the restaurant burns while I’m there, I’ll douse the flames with my super-sized chocolate Frosty.

• Why can’t my shower know the exact water temperature I like, based on my repeated usage? When it hits 104-degrees, it will beep like my oven does when I pre-set it for meatloaf at 350. If my car’s AI can tattle on my speeding, are you telling me a shower can’t remember and set my desired water temp? And there could be multiple user preference buttons like the seat adjustments found in your car.

• While we’re in the bathroom, why can’t my toilet know that it should lower the seat when I’m done? That function alone would eliminate at least 75% of marital spats. And ladies, this one can work both ways. When you’ve finished, AI should kick in and raise the seat. If that fails, an iris recognition sensor could be put in place to be sure the seat is in the proper position for the appropriate user.

• While in the restroom of my radio station, which requires all employees to wash their hands before returning, I waved my hand in front of the motion-sensor paper towel dispenser. As usual, it spit out a postage stamp-sized parcel of paper which was enough to dab the drops from my left pinkie. With artificial intelligence, it would roll out enough paper based on the thousands of people who’ve used it previously and I assure you, I’d rather use paper than run my hands across my pants to get them dry.

• Speaking of radio, aside from working in the industry, I’m also a user. So, based on my listening habits, why can’t my radio automatically tune to the types of music playing on another station? Sort of a perpetual scan button learned by repeat habit.

• Finally, why can’t cable TV stations flash a “B.S.” graphic when AI detects lies from a speaker?

Then again, don’t give my editor any ideas. That last suggestion could come back to haunt my artificial intelligence.

Contact Mike Morin at mike morinmedia@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @MikeMorinMedia. His column runs the first, third and fifth Sundays of the month.

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