George Pelletier

It was a sad week, as we bid adieu to infomercial king and Ronco founder Ron Popeil.

Popeil was well-known to TV viewers as the pitchman for such crap as the Veg-O-Matic, Mr. Microphone and of course, the Pocket Fisherman, the latter perfect for those unexpected times when you simply must fish.

Never again will we hear the words from Popeil, “Now, how much would you pay?” “Set it and forget it.” and “But wait – there’s more!”

Ronco produced full-length hockfests as the advent of infomercials began to gain footing with cable television’s influence spread. The man evangelized about such devices as pasta makers, food dehydrators and “GLH” (Great-Looking Hair), which was commonly known as “hair in a can.” I know I use my hair-in-a-can every day on my head to cover my bald spot and on my chest to make up for my lack of Burt Reynolds-luscious Cosmo-centerfold chest hair.

I started thinking – why can’t I pick up where Popeil left off? I have a bunch of ideas and a crap-ton of spare time. I’ll do it! I shall invent and revolutionize the way … people do stuff.

My first invention, the “Urinal Confessional” is for busy people with little time to go to confession and/or take a bathroom break. Why not conduct your business while you’re doing your business? Perfect for making eye contact in the most awkward of circumstances. “Forgive me father for I have sinned. It’s been 27 years since my last confession, and I’ve been peeing more frequently lately,” to which the priest replies, “Say 10 Hail Mary’s and I’d see a proctologist if I were you.”

Here’s one I’d like to pitch: Like a dog sniffing out a treat in a dog bowl, the Nose Stylus is perfect for people who don’t mind looking stupid. Part stylus, part Clockwork Orange, this plastic piece covers your nose and allows you to make multi-tasking a breeze. Just don’t sneeze. You’ll crack your iPad screen.

Metal detector sandals, for those beach goers who want a subtle way to say, “I’m looking for nickels and only finding bottle caps” and “What would Jesus do at Hampton Beach?”

Vibrating Jeans: When your phone just isn’t enough. These jeans start buzzing when you get a phone call. If you’re actually going to wear these things, I’d install the Robocall app if I were you. You don’t want to look like a human cell phone.

One I didn’t think of: the ice cream cone rotator. Licking ice cream. Hassle, am I right? If you’re a glutton, put the rotator on “high” and wear your Rocky Road.

Taste enhancing forks, for spouses whose mates are lousy cooks. Perfect for when bland just doesn’t arouse the taste buds.

Baby mops. Imagine a onesie with microfiber cleaning clothes attached. I’m just saying, if they’re not going to get a job, why not put them to use while they’re crawling all over your kitchen floor?

Not on my radar: MyFreeble. This device looks like a price scanner and its intent is for you to hold hands with someone who might be next door or around the world. This thing mimics hand holding across an internet connection. You squeeze yours and your child, for example, feels his change like you’re there holding their hand. This isn’t depressing at all.

Cutting bread and the crumbs are getting you down? Try the cutting board bird feeder, which is the answer to wasting valuable breadcrumbs. This cutting board vents off the crumbs so you don’t have to clear them away. The birds will take care of that. And peck your eyes out at night while you sleep. Do we really need a solution for getting more birds indoors? Did we learn nothing from Tippi Hedren?

The “pet shower curtain” helps you not get wet while you’re bathing your dog. Here’s another invention: it’s called the garden hose. Wash your dog outside like everybody else, moron.

The “finger fork” is for people who can’t master the task of holding an actual fork. This metallic stabber fits on one of your fingers as you eat. I dare you to take it out and eat with it at Surf. And by the way, remember not to scratch your eye or you’ll be an instant pirate. Argh.

The hamster shredder. Don’t get excited. It doesn’t shred the little rodents. It shreds paper with which to line their cages. Served divorce papers? No problem. Just feed the documents into the shredder and as your hamster runs on the wheel, the papers mysteriously shred. Just to give you an idea of how slow this thing is, one phone bill will take about a week to fully shred into hamster bedding.

Here’s one I’m glad I didn’t come up with: The Sonic Grenade. It was about $15, but who knew? The thing was quickly yanked from shelves as it resembled an actual hand grenade and made the most annoying sound in the world. Sort of like a fatigued hamster trying to run for its life just so you can recycle your Macy’s bill.