George Pelletier

The aforementioned is the new tagline that I’ve submitted to the honchos at Walmart and some of the Walton heirs.

So, keep your fingers crossed that I hear from John Boy or Jim Bob sometime soon.

I have some other ideas:

“Walmart. When Target is too damned expensive.”

“Walmart. The other white meat.”

“Walmart: Screw Beluga caviar and Cristal Champagne. Give me Spam and a jug of Carlo Rossi.”

“Walmart: We have to regularly sanitize our security cameras.”

“Shop at Walmart and feel better about yourself.”

Yes, Walmart has become my dirty little secret. It’s like going into the Wonka Chocolate factory or watching Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood with a slight buzz.

A person can save a fortune on antidepressants; skip the pills, go to Walmart.

It’s not about the fact that it’s open ’til all hours or that the prices are cheap. I go for the colorful atmosphere. It cheers me up and often makes me guffaw.

If you’re fashion-challenged, shop at Walmart and then dress completely opposite.

At Walmart, I have seen. …

A woman with a unibrow and a push-up bra, wearing a World-Wide Wrestling championship belt.

A large man wearing a shirt completely covered in donut print.

A two-year old hijacking a motorized shopping scooter being chased by an irate man with a cane.

A person walking an iguana.

A kid handcuffed to his mom’s shopping cart.

A sign that read, “Open 24 hours, 7 days a week. Closed between 2 a.m and 5 a..m Friday-Sunday.”

A bra on a busty woman. The bra was only half-working, if you catch my drift.

A young girl wearing a wet towel on her head, brushing her teeth.

People. Barefoot. Everywhere. (Tetanus shots? Aisle 3.)

A bike chain-locked to a yellow parking barrier pole that was only three-feet tall.

A man wearing a hospital johnny.

Apparently, there is something innately freeing about shopping at Walmart. It’s like going to the kitchen in your underwear in the middle of the night for a snack. That’s Walmart to a lot of people. Tighty-whities and all.

Teens go to Walmart (so I’m told) to do a “Walmart Scavenger Hunt.” Tasks include taking pictures of foods they would never eat. That could take a while.

I bought emergency dog foot at Walmart once and the woman behind me asked me if I had a dog.

There should be a weather app for people with social anxiety: “Today, Walmart in Hudson will be partly crowd-y, with a 70% chance of people you know.”

I asked someone in the Amherst store what the craziest thing she had ever seen was. She said a man showered with the hose they use to water the plants and then dried himself with an unpurchased towel.

Once in Walmart, I overheard on the loudspeaker, “Customer service needed in the sporting goods section … We have a customer by the balls.”

Also overheard a girl on her speaker phone: “I was so mad I wanted to punch her. Why didn’t I? I was still at the funeral.”

I once heard a customer yell at a Walmart cashier to hurry up: “C’mon. It’s not rocket surgery!”

Overheard a customer say as they entered the store: “Wait. This isn’t the good Walmart.”

At Walmart, I overheard a man say, “If I wanted to read, I’d get an audiobook.” Overheard a lady say, “If it ain’t broke, don’t break it.”

Overheard a guy say, “Why don’t they put a “H” instead of an “J” in jalapeno?”

Finally, over the holidays, I heard someone singing, “All I Want For Christmas Is My Ten Front Teeth.”

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