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Geriatric Millennials

By George Pelletier - Milford Bureau Chief | Jun 19, 2021

George Pelletier

I recently learned of this term, and with a little simple math, made the determination that this makes me an Infantile Baby Boomer.

I was the last of the Baby Boomers, having been born in 1964. Technically, Baby Boomers are the post-WW II generation, born between 1946 and 1964, and was named for its contribution to baby-making and regenerating a world that was ravaged by war.

An old woman that I know was convinced that Baby Boomers are too dependent on new technology. And then I glanced over at her life support machine and she backed off.

I was thinking that if Boomers were still fertile, how many quarantine children might have been conceived? The answer is none. All of them would be in line for toilet paper.

Geriatric Millennials were born between 1980 and 1985 and the term first exploded in popularity in April when author Erica Dhawan referred to it a “Medium” magazine article.

To put in differently, the internet’s official birthday is January 1, 1983, so some millennials were born during an internet-less time, and let’s face it – the internet of the ’80s was very different from the beast that we all know now.

That means that Geriatric Millennials were born without a silver cellphone in their collective mouths. Poor babies.

This is not to be confused with plain old Millennials who own an expensive iPhone and more expensive laptop, so they can go online and check that they have no money in their bank account.

Forget thinking that Millennials could survive on bread and water. They’re forced to survive on air and student debt.

It’s been said that Millennials mock the elderly and are out of touch with Boomers. Just wait until they really are Geriatric Millennials and have to use an iPhone the size of a door mat because their vision isn’t what it used to be.

One of the bad parts about being a Geriatric Millennial is that Maury Povich might tell you that you “ARE THE FATHER!”

Some Geriatric Millennials denounce the term. This, while they’re fishing for a Kleenex from their shirt sleeve.

Last March 2020, COVID-19 was being called the “Boomer Remover.” What’s with the pushback? If I remember correctly, we’re the ones that send you money and a card each birthday.

Personally, I don’t care if Gen Z and Millennials argue over side parts and skinny jeans. I do care that they know when it’s appropriate to pick up the phone and speak to someone rather than sending a text or a poorly crafted email.

At age 35 and around that number, similar to circling a drain, you are a Geriatric Millennial. And by age 35, you’ve reached the stage of time confusion where you’re convinced that the ’90s was only ten years ago.

By age 35, you should have a collection of excuses for cancelling plans and a system in place for how to realistically rotate them.

By age 35, you should have a drawer full of menus, pens, sandwich bags and bongs and pipes of yesteryear.

By age 35, you will routinely work out in t-shirts memorializing live events older than the interns on your team.

Economic experts say that by age 35, you should have had a legendary music career and been dead for eight years.

By age 35, you should be able to re-watch “Bridget Jones’ Diary” and think ‘You’re only 30 and you manage to afford to live alone?'”

By age 35, you should have gained, lost and regained one imperial throne, conquered not one but two other empires with Roman credentials, turned the greatest church in the world into the greatest mosque, beaten Dracula, married five times and written a short poem, retirement experts say.

And hey, Geriatric Millennials, it’s only a matter of time before you start saying stuff like “Back in my day,” “I left a message on your answering machine,” “I taped my program the other night,” “What’s your fax number?” “I printed the directions from Mapquest,” “I took a nap on the davenport,” “You go ahead, I’m going to sit for a minute,” “Can I borrow your calculator” and “I saw this great segment on ’60 Minutes.’ Now go to bed. It’s almost 7:30 p.m.

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