IN A LATTE TROUBLE: A Dover man charged with driving while intoxicated drove his sportscar through the entrance of a Starbucks in Hooksett last Sunday. Well, they do say coffee helps sober you up.

EAT IT: Sampling will be returning to Sam’s Club this week. Also returning to Sam’s Club, freeloading shoppers. On their Facebook page, the company wrote, “Samples are back, so stop yelling at us.” Sounds like Sam’s has a real hostage negotiator in its midst.

FACE OFF: New Hampshire Catholic schools won’t require students to wear masks in the fall. Instead, they’re leaving it up to parents to decide whether their kids should wear a face covering or not. A new grassroots organization, U.G.L.I., United Good Looking Inc., has suggested that unattractive children continue to wear masks, or bags on their heads, “if the latter suits the matter,” one damn handsome U.G.L.I. representative said.

NOT GOING SWIMMINGLY: Cities and towns around New Hampshire are struggling to find lifeguards, so many pools and beaches will be unsupervised by amateur David Hasselhoffs this summer. Those who need not apply include: Right Guards, Life Coaches, Guardian Angels, Life Inmates, Guard Dogs, and Still Life Artists. And I know what you’re thinking: a Guardian Angel would make the perfect lifeguard. You’re wrong. When their wings get wet, they sink like a stone.

QUICK, HIDE YOUR BEER: New Hampshire State Police and local law enforcement will be increasing their presence at Hampton Beach this summer. Gov. Sununu said, “Ensuring a safe and successful summer season for beachgoers and area businesses is a top priority for the State of New Hampshire,” adding “Hampton Beach is the jewel of New Hampshire’s seacoast.” The jewel? That’s awfully kind. New Hampshire only has 18 miles of beach so I’d say Hampton Beach is a cubic zirconia at best.

HELP ME I’M DRONING: A Canadian man used his drone to pull his kayak around a lake. The drone-loving guy said that he was surprised the drone could haul all 160 pounds of him. The enthusiast said he’s revolutionizing the way people go kayaking. Yeah, now lazy people can say they went kayaking, too. You just know this guy has a Roomba, a garage door opener, a Playstation and no girlfriend.

DUMP TRUCK: Another Canadian, this time a plumber, said his business is booming thanks to a viral photo of his truck, which is painted to look like the driver is sitting on a commode, replete with pants around the ankles. The man said he hoped the paint job on the truck would set him apart from other plumbers. “It really stands out.” I dare him to valet park this truck at Vesper Country Club.

TURF AND SURF: A Nashua man, we’ll call him Captain Nemo, who drove his truck filled with liquid turf treatment chemicals and towing a trailer piled with lawn care equipment into the Winnipesaukee River in Tilton and submerged it, blew a .16 on the breathalyzer/seismometer gizmo. His license was revoked for 18 months, he was sentenced to five days in jail, and on restoration of his driving privileges, was ordered to maintain an alcohol interlock on his vehicle. Let’s just hope that the interlock device works under water. This guy doesn’t need another truck- he needs a submarine. Instead of airbags, a life vest should deploy upon impact. I wonder if there is an instructor out there who teaches driving and swimming at the same time.

THEY MUST BE WINDED: The town of Windham wasted time and money after an audit found no fraud or evidence voting machines were tampered with. “All the machines matched. The content was exactly the same,” said audit team member Harri Hursti. Next on the agenda for Windham geniuses: proving that Santa Claus is made-up, the Easter Bunny is fake and Elvis is really alive and well and living in Gonic, New Hampshire.