Ah, the bowling alley, the poor man’s country club. Some tease that bowling is a sport for people who do not have the talent to spare.

When I was a kid, hockey announcer Bob Gamere hosted the popular local show, “Candlepins for Cash.” Who knew that this landmark show would inspired today’s “American Ninja.” (It certainly didn’t.)

I went bowling with a large group of friends recently and I’m pretty sure people thought we subconsciously lacked any real ability, motor skills or coordination.

Never has there been such a gathering of individuals who collectively and most apparently could not bend over. I think my friend Jeff thought you earned more points each time you dropped a ball on your foot. He wins.

This isn’t an age issue; people of all ages of perfectly capable of throwing a round object into a gutter.

And if the ball didn’t hit the gutter, there’s a good chance that player just lobbed his ball ten feet down the lane, like he’s competing in the shotput event.

Thud, crash, thump.

I never thought I would seen a bowler replace a divot where his bowling ball landed.

I did learn other things. Such as the ratio per beer consumed versus the number of large ball dents in the ceiling over the alley. This isn’t bowling. It’s the launch of the Sputnik.

By regulation, you may only have up to 12 holes in your bowling ball. I can account for three of the holes. What are the other nine for? A cigar holder? Rolled lunch meat for a late snack? Cannabis smuggling?

The largest bowling center is in Japan with 116 lanes. With a culture that knows how to formalize a bow, I’ll bet the Japanese are mean bowlers.

The largest bowling alley in the U.S. is in Las Vegas. With any luck, there is a stripper’s pole to distract onlookers from how badly you’re bowling.

In bowling, three strikes is called a “turkey,” six strikes is a “wild turkey,” and nine strikes is a miracle.

Pins must be 15 inches tall but there is no minimum weight for a bowling ball. As indicated by the giant pock marks in the ceiling, there should be a maximum weight or an FAA airtraffic contoller on call.

According to the International Bowling Museum and Hall of Fame, which is likely housed in an old Photo-Mat somewhere in the Midwest, bowling dates back to an Egyptian grave and evidence suggests that bowling dates back as far as 3200 BC. The rented bowling shoes that I wore the other night also suggest they originated in an Egyptian grave because all the foot spray in the world could not save them. I went home and boiled my feet.

Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble were the first known cavemen to bowl. The third caveman to bowl happened to be chucking balls like he was playing horseshoes. And yes, his knuckles were dragging.

The first televised bowling games appeared in 1950, around the same time, paint became fun to watch dry.

Nine-pin bowling is currently banned in every state except Texas. You gotta love those rebels in Texas. Boy, do they know how to ride out a snowstorm. Right Ted?

I also favor putting humans in large hamster balls and rolling them towards the pins. The ugliest people are placed in the hamster balls first, and then up the food chain we go to the best-looking folks, who with their boredom, are already in the parking lot.

Bowling is a great sport because you can drink while you play, as opposed to hockey, in which you over-consume to watch professional athletes fight.

If bowling wasn’t already enough exercise for some people, you can go Glow-Bowling, where your bowling ball glows in the dark. Great. Spastic lights, pumping music, sure, the disorientation you’re experiencing will surely improve your game.

I miss the old days before scoring became automatic. When I was a kid, you could draw a phallic symbol on the page, and it would appear on the monitor above. So proud.

Roger, a married friend of mine, works very hard. He spends his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend his wife decides that he needs to relax and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club.

The doorman at the club spots them and says, “Hey, Roger! How are you tonight?” His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before.

“No, no. He’s just one of the guys I bowl with.”

They are seated and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says, “Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?”

His wife’s eyes widen. “You must come here a lot!”

“No, no,” says Roger, “I just know her from volleyball.”

Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says, “Roger! A table dance as usual?”

His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar. Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and lets Roger have it.

At this, the cab driver leans over and says, “Hey Roger! Sure looks like you picked up a real @#$% tonight!”

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