When you decide to adopt a rescue dog, you’re fully aware that the dog may have some bad wonts that need to be addressed. Commonly, puppies chew shoes, misdirect their enthusiasm by peeing in the house and bark at parked cars.

I know that puppies are playful. I did not know that they can be kinky.

My dog Riley has some kind of weird foot fetish. He immerses his nose inside a shoe and breathes it all in. He looks like Dennis Hopper in the movie “Blue Velvet” sucking on amyl nitrite straight from the tank.

If Riley could speak humanese, I’m sure after one whiff he’d proclaim, “That’s the good stuff!”

He also has a tendency to lick my feet, where I find myself both impassive and troubled at the same time.

I wanted to speak to an expert about Riley’s habit and came up with an ace.

“Generally speaking, dogs do not have foot fetishes in the same way that humans do,” Dr. Scholls explained to me. “Also, how the hell did you get my number?”

He ended our chat by saying, “This conversation is making feel uncomfortable.”

Wuss.

I’m definitely not an expert on fetishes, but I’m fascinated by what turns people on:

TINA! BRING ME THE AXE! Axillism is the desire to “get busy” with someone’s armpit, as folks do, I suppose. I can’t explain the mechanics of this but perhaps now I understand why some men wear Axe Body Spray to the utter delight of strange women walking down the street. Who ever thought that Old Spice Under Arm deodorant could be an aphrodisiac?

FALLING FOR YOU: If you’ve ever been aroused by falling downstairs, that’s called climacophilia. I think it’s also called being a toolbox. I can’t imagine getting a sexy thrill by watching “The Shining” or “The Exorcist,” both of which feature characters falling down a flight of steps. I’m guessing that “What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?” must whip a climacophiliac into a frenzy.

STIFF UPPER LIP: Agalmatophilia is when someone has sexual attractions to inanimate objects, like dolls, mannequins or statues. I’ve never seen a mannequin I want to woo, but I have been out with a few dummies in my day. But fear not – I never knocked wood.

IT’S HOTTER TO FROTTER: If your knees get weak when you touch a stranger surreptitiously in a crowded place, you’re experiencing frotteurism. I initially thought it had something to do with “The Hobbit,” but realized that I had my Frotto/Frodo mixed up. And for the record, there’s a fine line between frotteurism and picking someone’s pocket.

BIRD BRAIN: Getting frisky by getting tickled by feathers is called Pteronphilia and all I know is that Phyllis Diller could have been a dominatrix, had the comedy thing not worked out for her.

JUST KIDDING: Paraphilic infantilism is the fetish of wearing a diaper and pretending to be a baby. Sounds weird to me but at least there is no cleanup.

HANKERING FOR A HONKER: If you get the thrills by sucking on a person’s nose, you have nasolingus. I would guess that Eskimos are greatly at risk because of the way the make-out.

WHERE’S EUELL GIBBONS WHEN WE NEED HIM: Dendrophilia is having a thing for trees. Paul Bunyan and Tiger Woods come to mind. So does Barbara Walters, who famously asked Katherine Hepburn, “If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?” To which Kate should have replied, “Does bored out of my tree count?”

HOT FOR H–E–DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS: Stygiophilia is the arousal to the thought of hellfire and damnation. From jet-setting televangelists, like wackadoodle Jesse Duplantis (“God told me I need a private jet”), and inglorious Gloria Copeland (children don’t need a flu shot because Jesus had already “bore our sickness”), to Dispicable Donald (“If Ivanka weren’t my daughter, I’d be dating her”), right down to the Church Lady (“Isn’t that special?”), it takes all kind of weird to explain why people are afraid of, or turned on by, the devil.