… THE POOCH: A Canadian fire rescue service was called out last month by reports of a dog driving a car down the road. It was determined that “Rex,” a Labrador mix, had been left alone in the car and accidentally shifted it into neutral, allowing it to roll along the road. They were able to stop the car and immediately conducted a breath alyzer test, only to discover that Rex’s breath smelled like his junk.

TIE ONE ON: A Kentucky man was found naked except for a bow tie outside his home in March. Deputies said they arrived at his home, they found the man standing outside, claiming he did “mushrooms with Jesus and that the two were playing a virtual reality video game together. When placed in his cell, the man stood in a corner instead of lying on a cot, because, he said, “Jesus needed a nap.”

IDIOT TAX: A woman in Texas applied to the DMV to change her name on her driver’s license after getting hitched and was told to call the District Attorney’s office in Oklahoma, where she learned she was wanted there on a charge of felony embezzlement for failing to return a VHS tape of “Sabrina the Teenage Witch” to a video store there in 1999. The woman thought it was nuts, but prosecutors accused her of “willfully, unlawfully and feloniously embezzle(ing)” the tape, valued at $58.59, according to court documents. The woman had no recollection of renting the tape but guessed the man she lived with at the time must have gotten it for his two young daughters. Prosecutors were expected to drop the charges but when they caught wind of the title of the tape, they doubled the damages, citing the woman “clearly had awful taste in movies.”

JUNGLE JUSTICE: A man suspected of poaching rhinos in South Africa’s Kruger National Park was trampled to death by a herd of elephants on April 17, according to park authorities. One official praised the park’s “successful weekend in the fight to keep our rhinos alive” as rangers arrested five suspects, carrying hunting rifles and an ax. In related news, the first ever rhino-to-elephant high five was observed in South Africa’s Kruger National Park a few days later.

HIDDEN VALLEY STENCH: A 17-year-old was taken into custody, and to the hospital, after he caused a disturbance at a Petro Deli north of Topeka, Kansas. The teen, who was naked except for the ranch dressing smeared all over his body, damaged merchandise in the store, then ran out and jumped in a running car, which he crashed into a pillar. Investigators said he was “under the influence of a substance.” “Yeah,” said another cop. “Ranch dressing.”

ENDLESS HONEYMOON: In Taiwan, where companies are required to give newlyweds eight days of paid leave, an unnamed bank employee in Taipei used a loophole in the law to claim 32 days of leave over 37 days last year, it was reported. The man and his wife got married four times and divorced three times, claiming eight days of leave for each wedding. The bank complained to the city labor department, which sided with the employee and fined the bank about $670 for violating the regulation, sparking public criticism. The labor department later revoked the fine “to recognize a mistake and improve,” it said. Meanwhile the loving couple has moved to the states and is registered at Goodwill.

THINK PINK: Police in the Czech Republic were stunned when a man turned in a Soviet T-34 tank and an SD-100 artillery gun as part of a nationwide weapons amnesty program designed to legalize guns that had not been registered. It was reported that the man was a collector of historic weaponry and had owned the 1950s-era tank, which had been painted pink, since the 1990s. Authorities checked the tank and gun to “confirm they have been properly deactivated,” and the man was allowed to keep them in his collection. In a related story, a man blew off both arms in a terrible dusting accident.

MUDDY WATERS: A Brookline, Massachusetts woman set out at low tide for a stroll with her son’s dog along Constitution Beach to relax and look for sea glass but found herself stuck in mud that reached past her knees instead. “It’s a great metaphor for the year,” she told the Boston Herald. “I can’t believe it. … This past year has been awful. I mean really bad. Could it get worse? Am I right? You feel me!” Passersby were so bored and annoyed with the woman, they ignored her rants and kept walking.