PUT IT ON MY TAB: Heather Poplasky of Plainfield, Connecticut, racked up a hefty bill after the nutter was arrested four times in 24 hours over the course of April 10 and 11. The first arrest occurred when police were called to her home where they say she threatened to cut herself with a large knife and blame it on her boyfriend. Police charged her with reckless endangerment and disorderly conduct and took her to a hospital for evaluation where she earned a summons following an incident with a staff member. After she was released, which is brilliant, she returned home, adding more charges. While in custody awaiting arraignment, she flooded her cell by putting toilet paper and trash in the toilet. Chock up: criminal mischief.

Said one officer: “She’s a big lady. We hope for the plumber’s sake it was just toilet paper and trash.”

QUIET – GENIUSES AT WORK: Fox News, proving that they’re a hard-hitting federally registered entertainment organization, reported that toilet paper sales have declined to levels below pre-pandemic levels, indicating that last year’s hoarding is affecting this year’s sales. In related news, Fox did an in-depth report, showing how to build a cabin made from popsicle sticks and also how to grow a bean plant with a moist paper towel.

POLE VAULT: The Machens family moved into a historic home in Alton, Illinois and discovered a 19th century brick tunnel underneath the house. They also discovered a locked vault, covered by decaying bricks. News of opening the vault quickly spread as the press gathered for the unveiling. The big reveal? The vault was empty, with the exception of discovering Geraldo Rivera’s career, which according to experts has been in the vault for decades. In related news, Al Capone rolled over in his grave howling with laughter.

OFF THE RAILS: Brian Robson of Cardiff, Wales, hated his job on the Victorian Railways in Australia and began scheming about how to get back home. Apparently the brainiac decided to squeeze into a 30-by-26-by-38-inch wooden crate and ship himself home. After being crammed in the crate for days, he was discovered by airport workers. Presently, the human pretzel, whose head is now somewhere around his waist, said he doesn’t go out much and doesn’t need to date. “I’m good, I’m really good,” said the man with a grin.

CASH COW: A Blount County, Tennessee sheriff’s deputy was dispatched to a Dollar General store (which with the local exchange rate is an 89 cent store) on April 5 after a clerk was presented with a $1 million bill. Amanda McCormick told officers she received the bill “in the mail from a church to buy gift cards.” She also claimed to be roommates with Amelia Earhart and said she was dating D.B. Cooper.

Police said that McCormick was in deep trouble, so the woman contacted Matlock for her defense.

FLY ME: Among the items unveiled in Louis Vuitton’s fall/winter 2021 men’s collection in January was a leather “keepall” bag, shaped like a miniature airplane and covered with the ubiquitous LV logo. The bag went viral when a Twitter user pointed out that an actual airplane could be purchased on eBay for less than the bag’s $39,000 price tag. “Besides,” said the Twitter tweeter, “A single engine 1946 Bellanca Cruiser goes with everything.” That plane’s price: $13K.

I NEED A FIX: Most citizens in Brussels, Belgium have never seen the Palace of Justice, which sounds a lot like the name of Superman’s timeshare condo. It turns out that construction scaffolding has surrounded the façade of the palace for years as construction renovations have been mired in red tape for 40 years. Now that they’re ready to address reparations, it turns out that the scaffolding has become outdated and dangerous. So, starting next week, new scaffolding will be placed around the old scaffolding and this will continue for some time. The goal is either to finish the repairs or create a huge Russian nesting doll made of scaffolding.

THEY’RE REGISTERD AT THE STATE HOSPITAL: At a wedding in Suzhou, Jiangsu Province in China on March 31, the groom’s mother noticed a birthmark on the bride’s hand that was similar to one belonging to her long-lost daughter. When asked, the bride’s parents admitted they had found her as a baby in a basket floating down a river, named her Moses and raised her as their own – a secret they have never told. The bride burst into tears, saying the moment was “happier than the wedding day itself.” Bonus: The groom was also adopted so the marriage could proceed as planned. The happy couple plans on spending their honeymoon in therapy.

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