George Pelletier

SON OF A: Facebook has taken down the official page for the French town of Bitche. Located on the northeastern border with Germany, Bitche, contrary to popular belief, is not known for its diva behavior or gossipy motor-mouth. It was reported that since the page was removed, the municipal communications officer hurried to create a new one under another name. Some of the suggested ideas were D’Bagge, As’hatte and Ville de Dum Dum.

PING WENT THE STRINGS OF MY HEART: Elon Musk’s brain implant firm has taught a monkey to play Pong with its mind. Neuralink Corp., which Musk owns alongside his SpaceX, Tesla and a lovely Mary Kay Cosmetics franchise, previously claimed to have implanted coin-sized wireless sensors inside the brains of two pigs, describing the sensors as “a Fitbit in your skull.” Of the Pong exercise, the monkey reportedly threw up his hands and said, “This is the best that you’ve got? The walking hambones get a Fitbit and I have to play this stupid game?”

CALCIUM SWIM ANYONE? A Welsh river ran white after a milk tanker accident. Trying to keep cats from drinking the river was problematic until a truckload of Oreos was brought in to absorb and stop the spillage.

THE DEVIL WEARS SNEAKERS: Nike settled a lawsuit against a company that produced “Satan shoes” for rapper Lil Nas X, a name that just rolls off the tongue. The “Satan shoes” are modified versions of Nike’s Air Max 97 and each features a bronze pentagram charm, an inverted cross and one drop of human blood, according to the company. The price tag: $1018 – a reference to the Bible passage Luke 10:18, which reads, “I saw Satan fall like lightning from heaven, and then watched him don Nikes and dunketh the basketball with great might and potency,” the 665 pair of shoes sold out minutes after they were released in late March.

DID YOU REMEMBER THE HONEY? After what should have been a routine grocery trip on a leisurely afternoon, a New Mexico man was shocked to return to his car and find thousands of bees in the backseat. They were, of course, killer bees, who promptly demanded the man’s wallet and car keys before buzzing away in his Volkswagon Beetle, that irony not lost on them.

I’LL DRINK TO THAT: Careful Vermont drivers with no DUIs paid less for their automobile insurance for the month of April. Package stores immediately poo-pooed the sobering news, worried that their sales for the month might plummet. Said Otis, the town drunk, “No worries. I’ve got you, hiccup, covered.”

LEGO MY PLEA DEAL: Lego larceny is on the rise in France, as police there have been investigating an international ring of toy thieves with a particular affinity for the colorful, interlocking bricks.

In this case, three suspects were caught taking boxes of Legos from a toy shop near Paris, with the goal of selling them in Poland. Said one aging Polish criminal, “In my day, we stole Lincoln Logs and thought we were onto something until we realized that Ebay wasn’t invented yet.”

BUM LUCK: A Florida nurse (of course!) inadvertently broadcasted herself giving a patient a butt injection while waiting for her virtual court hearing to begin. The woman administering the injection was previously charged with third-degree grand theft. Fortunately, the virtual court Zoom hadn’t begun earlier as that’s when the nurse was assisting in a prostate exam.

MEXICALI HIGH: Houston police say crystal meth was found in a breakfast burrito, after two x-ray scans revealed the smuggling attempt at Hobby Airport. The smuggling operative was discovered via an unidentified lump inside the food during a routine screening. The smuggler considered eating the burrito to dispose of the evidence but didn’t want to be awake for the next 23 days straight.

GROOM DOOM: A man who was getting married went to the wrong wedding venue and nearly married a stranger in Indonesia. The groom arrived at the wrong address with his wedding party after a GPS mix up, which begs the question: Indonesia has WiFi?

SNAIL MAIL AT ITS FINEST: A Michigan woman received a 100-year-old postcard in her mailbox. Unfortunately, the woman died five years ago after growing tired of waiting for the mail delivery.

COURTESY OF ABE FROMAN: Hungry Germans craving bratwurst in the dead of night are increasingly turning to vending machines for their knockwurst and other sausage meats. The machines are both booming and disturbing. Punnets of accompanying rancid potato salad are also for sale, right next to a button that dispenses Pepto-Bismol.