Unhappy with the current roster of holidays that we observe? Wish that we could start a movement to shine light on holidays like “National Lint Trap Day” (August 31) and “Answer Your Cat’s Questions Day” (January 22)? Me neither. Here are a holidays that I am starting a formal campaign to get back on the books. (I’m really not.)

STOP HAGGLING: The Celtic holiday known as Imbolc (February 1) marks the beginning of spring and is one of the four major seasonal “cross-quarter” holidays that mark the midway points between the solstices and the equinoxes. Imbolc also features the threat of winter personified, and something a lot scarier than the groundhog Punxsutawney Phil: Cailleach, a “divine hag” that gathers her firewood during Imbolc. If conditions are sunny, that means that the hag is gathering a lot of firewood, and we’re all in for a crappy, long winter. If the weather is foul, it means Cailleach is only gathering a little, and the winter should be short. I don’t want to say that Cailleach is ugly, but if she fell from heaven, that would explain why her face is so messed up. Cailleach is so ugly that when she walks into a bank, they turn off the cameras. She is so ugly she could model for death threats.

HOCK A ‘LUGHY’: Lughnasadh (August 1) is another old Celtic seasonal holiday, which honors a three-faced god named Lugh. And one of the most peculiar celebrations is the trial marriage ceremony: For one day only, by joining hands with your beloved through a hole in a wooden door and exchanging vows and gifts, you would be married for just one year and one day. At the next Lughnasadh, if you don’t want to be married anymore, you can just call it off without consequences. Think of it as a marriage egg timer. So next time you’re in Vegas drinking a rum concoction out of a long plastic tube that resembles a neon bong, and you get the itch to get hitched, skip the Elvis wedding chapel. Instead, visit the Lugh.

BROGUE CODE: Handsel Monday is a cross between New Year’s Day and Christmas. Handsel Monday, the first Monday after January 1, was an old 18th century Scottish tradition where masters would give their servants presents and give them the day off. “Handsel” is a Middle English word meaning good luck or good omen. The handsel present was typically money, meaning even the poorest servant had a little extra cash to spend on Handsel Monday. There were feasts, drinking, and music starting at midnight, with young people marching through town playing fiddles and tin horns. Inevitably, things would get a little wild. In 1845, one minister noted: “The early part [of the holiday] is generally devoted to the less innocent amusement of raffles and shooting of firearms, which, being often old and rusty, as well as wielded by inexperienced hands, have occasioned some disagreeable accidents.”

Fortunately, we have a present day version of Handsel Monday: Mardi Gras. But I doubt that in 18th Century Scotland, peasants would lift up their shirts for beads.

MAKE A SANDWICH ALREADY: Lammas Day (August 1) is like Christmas for bread-lovers. Sounds about exciting as a prostate exam. “Lammas” comes from the old English “hlafmaesse,” which literally means “loaf-mass.” (As in, “Merry Loafmas!”) It died off as a holiday in the mid-19th century, but until then it was a festival of the wheat harvest, and thus a festival of bread. People would bring their first loaves of the season to be blessed, but they didn’t eat these special loaves: they would be torn into quarters and placed in the barn to protect the grain, like magical amulets. The day I start celebrating a loaf of bread is the day I start trying on underwear in the men’s section at Marshall’s.

WHY DON’T WE GET DRUNK: The Welsh holiday of Gwyl Mabsant, which celebrates a local parish saint, hasn’t been properly celebrated since the end of the 19th century. It’s a damn shame, too – the whole thing sounds like a blast, with highly unorthodox athletic competitions such as blindfolded wheelbarrow-driving, “fives” (a squash-like game played against the church walls), and something called “old women’s grinning matches.” There was also football, bando (a field hockey-like game), and, unfortunately, cockfighting. The mix of alcohol, gambling, and crazy games gave the holiday a bad reputation, ultimately getting it shut down by religious leaders. Or as I like to put it, welcome to my idea for a new bar.

A VENTRILOQUIST’S NIGHTMARE: The feast day of the twin Christian saints Crispin and Crispinian (October 25) used to give people a fun and creative way to humiliate jerks. I like this idea already. Villages in England into the late 1800s would create an effigy (a dummy, basically), of the one or two people in the village they thought “had misconducted himself or herself, or had become particularly notorious during the year.” This dummy would hang on a signpost until November 5, presumably infuriating the offender that inspired it, before being taken down and burned. Why does Mar-A-Lago keep popping into my head?

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