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Announcement: TaugCon 2020 postponed

By Paul Wartaug - One Paul’s Opinion | Apr 17, 2021

Paul Wartaug

It is with a heavy heart that I announce that TaugCon must once again be postponed due to COVID. While this is terribly unfortunate, it is also terribly necessary.

Let me say something I very rarely do: I’m sorry. Drink it in, dear reader. It’s not often that history gives you an open mouth kiss of a moment. Pop it in the freezer and save this moment in time. I know that for many of you, TaugCon is a cherished opportunity to celebrate one of life’s greatest joys: Me, handsome wordsmith, Paul Wartaug.

I can still remember the very first TaugCon as if it were yesterday. There had been a charge in the air, kind of like when you get roughly 14 pounds of store brand dryer sheets on you, and you’re afraid to touch anything metal, but you’re like a superhero, kehd, straight up Shezam! And is he afraid of a door knob? I’m almost certain he isn’t. It’s time you open that door, like an adult.

(Note to self: Need to determine if just sheets, or include box weight; it is CRUCIAL)

Who could forget the first Paul Wartaug Cosplay, that which would go on to be known as TaugPlay (and yes, Kieren, that’s absolutely a thing, I don’t care what your brother said). And seeing the passion and joy that went into building the Giant MechaTaug was truly one of the most inspiring moments of my life.

But TaugCon is about so much more than remembering the best days of your life. It’s about seeing a bold new world unfold before your very eyeballs. Prepare for the future of tomorrow with:

King of the Taug: You can thank the oddly *enthusiastic* anonymous poll that made the rounds for this one. No longer will the best TaugPlay Cosplay costume simply be chosen from any one of the “Most Authentic”, “Most Interpretive”, “Most Wrongest”, “Least Sassy”, etc. Each majestic soul who wins their respective TaugPlay Category (also: “Most Nihilistic”, “Least Effort”, “Most Overthought”, “Best Moustache”, and the esteemed “Taug for All Seasons”) will then compete in the least thrilling contest of whoever can resist yawning after watching someone yawn.

Taug by the Pound: If you haven’t seen two Swedes and a disenfranchised Gaul feverishly building me, arguably successful troll sandtrap, Paul Wartaug, then you haven’t truly lived. The good news is now that a certain civil suit is no longer going through the Bahamian courts, you no longer need to face the threat of tetanus and junkyard dogs as you run through the Salvage Yard of Truth, as commanded by the High Tribunal. Now, you can attend the TaugCon 20XX, and let your sight-ears take in the picture-sounds of what was once revered as “man’s highest achievement” by probably at least two people?

What a time to be alive, eh Komrade?

Now, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to bring up this next topic, given the weight of already losing out on TaugCon twice in one life, but to know me is to know my ceaseless commitment to doing what is right, no matter the cost. Sometimes a man has to look at the monkeys before him and say, “YES, this is MY circus.” So, to you, my faithful monkeys, it is with a heavy heart I must remind you all of something I had felt was glaringly obvious.

I remind you, the attendees of TaugCon 20XX, that the cosplay performance artists are, in point of fact, human beings. As defined in the TaugCon guidelines (ratified, 2006), “all human beings are to be afforded baseline respect and decency, which includes, but is not limited to: using someone’s chosen pronouns, respect personal space, and don’t talk over anyone.” Obviously, during the highly contentious Devito-Kissinger Accords of 2012, this definition was amended to include our most relevant portion: “There is almost literally no reason that you need to touch another person, sir.”

While it could be argued that the performance artists who take on the burden of encapsulating the unwordable that is me, absurdly handsome wordsmith, Paul Wartaug, it’s obviously a metaphor. Not only are these people not me, but they never stopped being the people they were before they didn’t not become me. It’s pretty simple, right?

And yet some chuckleheads think there’s nothing wrong in putting their hands on these performance artists. I would like to think that attendees of TaugCon 20XX would not need to be reminded that other human beings are no less valid than themselves, and therefore should not be addressed in a disrespectful manner.

It is in the spirit of clear and direct communication that I introduce formal rules for TaugCon 20XX:

1. Do not physically interact with the performance artists. You’re an adult, so obviously it’s completely unnecessary to have to state that so blatantly, right? That’s so old school it’s preschool.

2. A costume is not consent. I can’t stop you from falling in love with someone who puts in the time and effort to look as resplendent as I, and honestly, who could? However, I can stop you from mistaking a costume as an invitation for basically anything at all in your greasy little head.

3. One of the performance artists is also a former NAVY SEAL. By all means, try your luck.

It is my hope that these rules will help guide us to a better TaugCon for everyone.

Paul Wartaug is a Nashua native. His column appears periodically in The Sunday Telegraph.

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