Television does not blur the line between what is art and what is not; it takes that line and wipes its nose with it. Camp knows no boundary like a terrible television commercial. Riddle me this:

PILLOW TALK: We all know Mike Lindell, memory foam pillow dude, mega-Christian and Trump political advisor. In commercials for MyPillow, replete with a jingle that sounds like it was recorded in 1958, Lindell cradles and appears to receive messages from his MyPillow as he reminds folks that it was made in the U.S.A. and is machine “wershable.” I wish I could “wersh” this guy’s ’70s-era porn star mustache and mug along with his grating monotone voice from my memory. He sounds like a tugboat. Imagine opening your medicine cabinet to find a person on the other side like this weirdo? I would move.

GOOF PROOF: Nothing riles the soul like an advertisement by “Bob’s Discount Furniture.”

Written and produced by the real Bob, Bob Kaufman and two other cronies, the Bob’s commercials are stupid, which is why they are effective. What I can’t figure out is why the real Bob is pudgy with gray hair while the Claymation version of himself is svelte and has brown hair. Even their voices are different. And then we met Muppet Bob in a commercial for a Bob-O-Pedic, a mattress that can sing. If you thought you were tripping while watching H.R. Pufnstuf as a kid, these Bob’s commercials just might drive you to the Betty Ford Clinic.

ORANGE YOU GLAD?: While not a singing mattress but an actor with a similar personality, Ashton Kutcher and his wife, actress Mila Kunis, appear in a Cheetos ad set to Shaggy’s “It Wasn’t Me.” In the commercial, Kutcher finds orange dust trails around his house, and sings accusations to his hiding wife Mila who answers, “It wasn’t me.” Kutcher’s off-key singing, like alley cats in a blender, is off-putting, to say the least. The first time the commercial aired was in February and I have sworn off Cheetos ever since.

PIPE JOB: Hyundai suffered a bout of foot-in-mouth disease a few years back when it showed a man attempting to poison himself with the carbon monoxide from his car. Naturally, the man was unsuccessful because he drives a hydrogen-powered automobile with clean emissions. After intense backlash, Hyundai distanced itself from the ad, apologizing and saying the commercial had not been requested or approved (even though it had been created by the company’s in-house ad agency). What’s next? A twin-towers mattress sale ad for a furniture store? Wait, that really happened in Texas.

FALL ALREADY: The makers of Life Alert medic bracelets and pendants will never stop airing the “I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up” commercials as long as there are hips at risk of being broken. The current ad shows falls in the kitchen, the shower and the park so if you like to cook, then take a spritz before heading for a walk outside, baby, this button was made for you. The ad itself is chockful of testimonials of people inferring, “If it wasn’t for Life Alert, I wouldn’t have to be doing this stupid commercial.”

CAN IT: Anyone remember the delightful and morally not wrong commercial featuring model/physics professor Kendall Jenner hocking Pepsi to police? In the ad, boob tubers watched as PepsiCo switched the view from young protestors and a woman in a hajib to a model (Oscar-winner Jenner- not!) offering a Pepsi to a police officer. Critics disavowed Pepsi for using the Black Lives Matter movement as a reason to advertise one of their products. Noted Jenner: “Wait. What happened?” And Bernice King, daughter of Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr., tweeted, “If only Daddy would have known about the power of Pepsi.” For real.

WHEN DOVES CRY: Just as Pepsi failed to stand with protestors, Dove failed to celebrate the beauty of diversity. With just a three-second Facebook video, Dove faced a PR nightmare after demonstrating a black woman turning white. Said Janet Jackson, “Wait. What happened?”

TACKY: Tac Light is like a regular flashlight but on steroids. In the commercial, Nick Bolton (who?) says, “We all have flashlights.” Well if we all have flashlights, who exactly are you marketing this piece of crud to? Tac Light has a strobe effect, perfect for those times when your bowling buddies all reminisce about being so influenced by the Disco Era. The Tac Light also boasts that it can do things that other flashlights can’t… like shine on bad guys and frighten them away. Apparently, everybody knows that burglars are just vampires, silly.

JEEPERS CREEPER: Ever notice how the Trivago guy on TV is really just a somewhat sleezy reprobate trying to lure people into strange hotel rooms? With his unshaven face, open shirt and lack of a belt, this guy is either hocking cheap stays or just got released from the city jail after being arrested for crashing a high school party. “Anybody need beer bought?”

GET DOWN: In a world without prescription drug ads on TV, (only the U.S. and New Zealand allow them), we wouldn’t have the commercial for Cymbalta. “Where do you go when you’re depressed? Nowhere.” Hardly. What about the racetrack or a strip joint?

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