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It’s an oxy, moron

By George Pelletier - Milford Bureau Chief | Mar 27, 2021

I was driving last Sunday through different towns and cities in the area, when I came across the sign for a restaurant, “Chateau Italiano,” wondering what kind of bread they would serve, French loaf or Italian? Are the waiters snooty mimes who talk with their hands? Is the restaurant background music two-dimensional, but play on a tiny accordion? Does the maître de wear a beret and a Versace suit? Do they say “Viva La France, Batta Bing, Batta Boom?”

D.O.A.: I recently read that there was a Death Valley Health Center. I think there, they probably substitute mud baths with cement ones. And the healthy way to eat? You only get your last meal.

MANJA OWN BUSINESS: A sign in a restaurant read, “No Food or Beverages Allowed in the Restaurant.” What is this, some kind of diet delicatessen? This is the kind of eatery where you sneak your doggy bag into the place, not out.

WALK ON: A somewhat insipid sign read, “No Trespassing Without Permission.” Who exactly are they trying to keep out? Or in? If a sign says, “no trespassing,” bring only one person along. Then it’s “dospassing.”

SNARKY PARKY: A sign read, “The last car that parked here is still missing.” Was this sign posted outside Chateau Italiano?

DEAR JOHN: I saw a sign in a Home Depot by a toilet that read, “Ask an associate for a demonstration.”

DRINK UP: A sign in a park said, “Absolutely no alcohol beyond this point.” So I started chugging like there was no tomorrow.

ARIGATO, GRASSHOPPER: You can guess that a store with this sign probably doesn’t get a lot of customers: “If door doesn’t open, do not enter.”

SAGE ADVICE: Two signs in the dessert were posted alongside each other: “State Prison: Next Exit,” and “Do Not Pick Up Hitchhikers.” Yeah, if I saw a guy cuffed, wearing an orange jumpsuit with the words, “GO AHEAD, HIT ME” tattooed on his forehead, I’d probably just keep driving too.

DING DONG: I went to a psychic reading once, and there was a sign by the doorbell that read, “Please ring bell for psychic.” Couldn’t she sense that I was already there?

MY LIPS ARE SEALED: I saw a sign that said, “Do Not Read This Sign Under Penalty of Law.” Now you’re in trouble.

MARKING SOME TERRITORY: At a cemetery, I read the words carved into a grave marker, “Nothing is written in stone.” Yeah, and dead is the new 80.

GOING DOWN: A caught a sign during a hike in the west that read, “Bottomless Pit: 65 feet deep.” They probably think sky-high prices are about 40 feet.

SAY WHAT: On a chain link fence, somewhere in bizarro world, a sign read, “No Signs On Fence.” I suppose that was followed by the sign, “Don’t stand where you’re standing.”

MAKE UP YOUR MIND? In Boston, I recently saw a stop sign, with another sign next to it that said, “Keep moving.”

ONE STEP BEYOND: In a high-rise office building, I read, “In case of fire, exit the building before tweeting about it.” Word.

DEATH WISH: Apparently one sign maker lost his train of thought during a job, painting, “Elevator out of order. Use elevator.” Maybe this guy hated people.

THE WHEELS GO ROUND AND ROUND: A safety notice on a bus read, “Please do not board the bus once the driver has closed the bus doors.” What, are people trying to fit through those tiny bus windows? Is this an elite bus or something? Is there a bar cart somewhere that I don’t know about?

HERE KITTY: A sign in Nashua read, “Beware of the Dog. The cat is also shady as s%i*!”

PRESCRIPTION FOR STUPIDITY: A sign at some Walgreen’s: “Pharmacy Drive-Thru Window Parking Only.” Are you the person dispensing the pills, or the one taking them?

PARTING WORDS: One church had a hell of a sense of humor with the sign: “Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you want to meet him.”

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