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Floridays: This week in weird

By George Pelletier - Milford Bureau Chief | Mar 20, 2021

GEORGE PELLETIER

Some years ago, a newspaper suggested that the state of Florida is the perfect barometer for strange behavior. As a former Floridian, I concur. I may not have added to the Sunshine State’s gritty surrealism, but I sure didn’t fight it.

IN THE DOGHOUSE: Last week, a Miami veterinarian was charged with possession of child pornography. That in itself is repulsive, but this doctor had to one-up himself: he was also charged with sexually assaulting puppies. Bringing a literal meaning to doing you-know-what to the pooch, the vet is being held at the federal detention center, but it’s rumored that he requested being held in an animal shelter, which is sort of like hiring a narcotics dealer to hold down the pharmacy.

GET ME RONALD: A Davies McDonalds manager was attacked by a customer, who said his Chicken McNuggets were taking too long. The assailant, an apparent poultry connoisseur, was booked and ordered by a judge to not return to the restaurant. Said the creepy-faced Burger King, “Great. Now that loser is going to start coming here.”

FOR WHATEVER ALES YA: A Cape Coral couple came up with a novel idea to meet their neighbors after moving into their home during the coronavirus pandemic: They offered free beer. The hops-loving couple created a flyer that said, “Hi! We’re new to the neighborhood. Want to come over to our driveway and get smashed?” The trick worked. If I had only known that when I moved into my home. I could have avoided putting out my flyer which invited swinging couples to come over for a “Key Party.” My bad.

HOCUS BOGUS: A school principal and her apparently ugly and unpopular teenage daughter in Escambia County hacked into hundreds of student accounts in order to cast votes for homecoming court at the girl’s school. The girl was expelled while her mom accepted a job as an executive advisor at Mar-a-Lago.

BURNING QUESTION: An arson suspect in Volusia County, who set a boat storage business on fire during a burglary, ended up in the hospital with severe burns. The idiot was attempting to steal a Volvo. Said one cop, “I didn’t know Volvo made boats.” The burning man then typed a letter to a biker gang (?) in the business’s office, lit a tow rope on fire and seriously singed his noggin. Deeply embarrassed, the man said, “Boy, is my face red.”

HUMAN SPEED BUMP: A Leesburg man was accused of running over a victim three times following a “love affair” dispute. Charged with attempted murder and facing a much needed wheel alignment, the bad driver man was found guilty in 2007 of lewd and lascivious behavior. On the plus side, the man met a nice veterinarian in the joint and they plan a lovely 2050 wedding when they’re both released from the slammer.

GAS ATTACK: A penniless Collier County man who nearly hit a gas pump pulled out a package of “Dank Gummies” instead of his driver’s license to show a deputy, who was trying to help him. The cannabis-infused gummies, which had the word “cannabis-infused” written right there on the package, said he bought the gummies because he had the munchies, but now is stuck in a terrible cycle.

SOFA, SO GOOD: A driver who crashed her car in Fort Lauderdale while swerving to avoid a couch falling from a truck on Interstate 95 may get a reprieve on the $166 traffic citation issued by a trooper with no apparent sense of humor. The car had hit the median and flipped over after avoiding the couch. The trooper said, “Remember, in Florida it is recommended to have a least a two-vehicle length between your vehicle in front of you because you have enough time to react in case something happens.” Everyone then had a huge laugh.

I AM BAT DORK: A Fort Lauderdale white supremist was arrested by the FBI for dressing like the Joker and the Riddler and encouraging a race war while holding weapons during his online tirades. Known for spewing hateful messages that were live-streamed, the man, who presumably lives in his parents’ basement, loves live-action role playing and wildly enjoys Ramen noodles, had no comment. In other news, the Penguin was busted for impersonating a waiter.

NAKED AND AFRAID: A Titusville High School class was cut short during a Zoom presentation when someone gained access to the session and displayed pornographic material. The aforementioned veterinarian could not be reached for comment. Or reaction.

FORE: A Pinellas County man was found dead after he drowned while searching for his golf ball. Said another golfer, “Why didn’t he just take a drop?”

THE DEVIL’S NOSE CANDY: Sixty-eight pounds of cocaine were pulled from the water by a snorkeler in the Florida Keys last week. The value of the drugs was estimated at $1.5 million.

The tweaking snorkeler reportedly said, “I didn’t’ try it. I didn’t try it. I didn’t try it. I didn’t try it. Okay, I tried it.”

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