If you were sitting on your couch, rocking back and forth as you prayed the pain and discomfort away, then you were probably watching the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), a four-day event held in Orlando, Florida last week.

The event was held at an Orlando Hyatt because Disney World’s Haunted Mansion was already booked and EPCOT doesn’t have a country called, Xenophobicstan.

Personally, I think the name should be changed to the Conservative Republican Action Party. It’s got a much catchier acronym.

First, let’s start with the Nazi-evoking stage design. Picture a Norse rune used by Gestapo during World War II. Yep, for the same reason that the children’s name Adolph has never made a comeback, thousands of Twitter users shared posts comparing the distinctive design to an othala rune, one of the many ancient European symbols that Nazis adopted to reconstruct a mythic Aryan past.

I’m guessing the people who saw no problem with the abhorrent stage design are the same folks who can’t understand why “Hogan’s Heroes” never got a TV reboot.

Semi-professional golfer and motivational speaker/My Pillow zealot Donald Trump spoke, beautifully, frequently and eloquently adding multiple syllables to words as only this man can do. Forget that conflict rages between Trump diehards and establishment politicians, who are trying to distance themselves from him like a dyed-in-the-wool tourist trying to stay out of a Russian bathhouse.

But before breaking down Trump’s knack for zany storytelling, let’s talk about the national anthem, which was sung by a young woman at the CPAC, who sounded like someone trying to stuff the milk back into a cow.

It wasn’t good, but I will say this singer could enjoy a lucrative career as a mime.

The “Star-Spangled Banner,” which was probably intended to be sung in the key of Q, actually transcended any musical scale I have ever studied. The singer, Sailor Sabol, belted out the national anthem loudly and confidently, butchering it. I will not say that her singing of our anthem was bad, but it makes Roseanne Barr and her infamous 1990 version sung at a San Diego Padres baseball game sound like Adele having an off-night.

Sabol’s version had more key changes than an overworked locksmith.

I think someone told her to sing in B-flat, so she decided to simply be flat. Apparently held back by traditional musicality for too long, Sabol’s frequent key changes made her sound like she was trying to Bebop scat.

And no, contrary to lure, claims that Sabol was Ted Cruz’s dog walker are false.

Perhaps CPAC should have reconsidered this year’s motto: “America Uncanceled,” as the only things canceled with note lately have been “Last Man Standing,” starring proTrumper Tim Allen and Donald Trump himself.

Then there was the ridiculous Mexican-made gilded Trump statue, which looked like some prankster sprayed the Bob’s Big Boy mascot with Rust-Oleum.

And while today’s Republicans are predominantly Evangelical Christians, they clearly missed the part in The Bible about building false idols. In a move that wondrously captured the apocalyptic vibes of his time in the White House, signing documents so he could hold up his famous spiky signature like a child displaying macaroni art, people are having a blast dunking on the graven image of the golden statue being wheeled around CPAC like Bart Simpson on his skateboard (an eerie resemblance).

Shortly after the statue images surfaced, people had a field day as “Golden Calf” tweets started trending while religious leaders and others pointed out the awkward and hypocritical Biblical implications of turning Trump into a golden idol, which is a big no-no according to Christian scripture. And did I mention, Trump’s Big Boy statue is wearing American flag shorts?

Now to Trump, in his first public appearance since losing the election. Repeating the same deranged lies about COVID and the 2020 election, Trump took the stage at the convention like Diana Ross after her 40th costume change.

Republicans also actually talked about the Muppets and Mr. Potato Head. Reps for the Muppets and Mr. Potato Head said they were on vacation in Cancun and could not be reached for comment.

Trump, who once praised “Two Corinthians” in a speech (any such verse would be from “Second Corinthians, btw), asked the crowd if they missed him. I think that’s the same line uttered by Buffalo Bill in “Silence of the Lambs,” talking to one of his victims.

“It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.” Why weren’t they selling these t-shirts in the convention hotel lobby?

Trump, who told the crowd, “We’ve been doing a lot of winning,” must measure things differently than normal people. At one point, Trump said, “We’re not starting a new party.” Then said, “Let’s start a new party.” Ah, Donald Trump! Twice the shot of intellectual inconsistency at twice the discombobulated price.

“Who loves you as much as I love you?” Trump asked the CPAC audience.

I do, because it hurts so good.

Newsletter