DO THE CORNERS FIRST: An Ontario woman completed a 40,000+ piece puzzle, the largest commercially available jigsaw puzzle – in 150 hours. The woman spent 16 hours each day working on the puzzle until it was completed. She was reportedly so excited, she ran with scissors, drank Coke and Pop Rocks, licked an electrical outlet and swam immediately after eating.

PROLONGING THE HANGOVER: An Ohio man is marking the Christian holiday of Lent by giving up solid food for 46 days and getting the majority of his sustenance from drinking beer. This is also known as “being in college.”

TICK TOCK: Again with Ohio, a bomb squad was called to investigate a suspicious package left at a church and discovered the contents were more adorable than dangerous – a cat and her six newborn kittens. “Most bombs tick,” said one genius. “This one was purring.” One of the kittens interviewed for the story said, “We missed a great opportunity. We should have yelled ‘BOOM!’ when they opened the box.”

CALL MY AGENT: Footage from Texas shows a husky name Malakai who doesn’t want to miss a chance to play in the snow. When told to come inside, Malakai refused. “He shakes his head no when he’s not ready to eat or he doesn’t want to come inside,” his owner said. Eventually, Malakai barked out a very human-sounding “No!” In related news, Malakai also said, “Do you have anything I can hump?”, “Get your own newspaper,” and “My owner is such a pain.”

GRIN AND BEAR IT: An Alaska woman had the scare of a lifetime while using an outhouse in the backcountry when she was attacked by a bear- from below. “I got out there and sat down on the toilet and immediately something bit my butt right as I sat down,” the woman said. “I jumped up and I screamed when it happened.” Her brother heard the screaming and went out to the outhouse, about 150 feet away from the yurt. There, he found his sister tending to her wound. They at first thought she had been bitten by a squirrel or a mink, or something small. The brother brought his headlamp with him to see what it was. “I opened the toilet seat and there’s just a bear face just right there at the level of the toilet seat, just looking right back up through the hole, right at me,” he said. Said the bear, “Are you done in here already? I really have to go.”

CALL IT AN INKLING: A Georgetown, Kentucky native and think tank enthusiast has been pondering her self-affirmation tattoo she had inked just before the pandemic. The tattoo, according to the young woman, was “meant to reinforce “being true to yourself and real and not pretending to be something you’re not.” Premonition is certainly not her fine suit. The girl got the tattoo on March 4, 2020; two days later Kentucky announced its first case of COVID-19. The rest is pandemic history.

The tattoo reads, “courageously & radically refuse to wear a mask.” The girl meant a metaphorical mask, not a surgical one. In related news, her other tattoos read, “Climb every mountain” (she did and fell down it), “Things are looking up” (a bird then pooped on her head) and “Take a deep breath” (she can’t, she has asthma.) If only she inked, “Wait ’til I win the lottery.”

PORK IT OVER: Pigs are not only smart, but they have game, according to one journal. A legendary swine researcher’s paper highlights two Yorkshire pigs named Hamlet and Omelet, and two Panepinto micro pigs – often used in research and usually weighing 50-70 pounds – named Ebony and Ivory, all of whom were kept at Pennsylvania State University. The pigs were trained at a “rudimentary joystick-operated video game task” that had originally been created to test chimpanzees and rhesus monkeys. They learned how to manipulate a joystick with their snouts to move a computer cursor across a screen. Once they maneuvered the cursor to hit a wall, a treat dispenser connected to the joystick would deliver a snack. In related news, Xbox-playing teens everywhere hollered, “Mom, is there anything to eat?”

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