Staff photo by Kevin Jacobus^^Mike Morin, 7/19/2005.

For the first time since Terry Bradshaw still had hair, I will not be attending a Super Bowl party this year. Yes, I go back to the 1970s when Bradshaw’s Steelers rumbled with alleged America’s team, the Dallas Cowboys. Just like today, Dallas came up short back then. Of course, I will miss our Patriots, who have already been playing golf for a month.

I’ll miss the money for sure. Don’t tell the IRS, but one year I cleaned up with two grand from various ‘for entertainment only’ big game ventures. I believe I still owe #12, Tom Terrific, a debt of gratitude for several profitable Super Bowls. Brady doesn’t know this, but he’s bankrolled several of my trips to Las Vegas. Cam Newton, not so much.

I will miss the gluttonous food consumption at next week’s parties. I will even miss my bright orange Cheetos fingers. I’m pretty sure that’s how I caught a cold every February. We were all licking our fingers and reaching into other snack food bowls. Due to isolation and greater pandemic hygiene awareness, I have traded in this year’s sniffles for a variety of kitchen-related injuries that range from burns to cuts. Yep. I’m cooking that much more these days.

By the way, I just saw a survey that lists the top ten ‘bad mood’ foods. In other words, things you consume that are most likely to give you a case of eater’s remorse. Number one on the list is doughnuts. That is just plain silly. Give me a Dunks glazed stick and I will be smiling for hours. How could Dunks be one of the biggest fast food joints in the world if people regret eating donuts?

Did I regret eating Cheetos? No, until the cold kicked in two days later. But a donut is much safer than Cheetos health-wise, so get over your phony donut remorse. I ain’t buying it.

Alcohol is the number two bad mood consumable. Got a suggestion. Pour yourself a flute of champagne to enjoy with a glazed stick and feel good about pairing a sweet, fried pastry with an effervescent dry wine. Also on the list of foods that supposedly make you hate yourself after eating it, is white bread. I’m with the survey here. As a nutritionist told me some time ago, white bread is good for two things: sopping up spilled milk and picking up broken glass.

Other regret goodies include burgers (love them), pizza (no pineapple, please) and potato chips. I like chips but get bored with them before they’re gone. The best part of the potato chip experience is the first whiff of goodness when you tear open the bag. Following the smell and maybe three chips, I’m done.

Hey, Yankee Candles, you sell ‘candlelit cabin’ and ‘rainbow’s end’ scented candles. Can your chemists make me a ‘fresh bag ‘o chips’ Yankee Candle?

Salmon is in the top ten list of good mood foods. I just checked. No ‘salmon’ Yankee Candle yet.

Contact Mike Morin at mike morinmedia@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @MikeMorinMedia. His column runs the first, third and fifth Sundays of the month.