CAN YOU DIG IT? Two Florida chuckleheads were arrested after police in Polk County discovered a shed on one of the suspect’s property, containing a ritualistic shrine and seven skulls the men told authorities they used in the practice of the Palo Mayombe religion. Graves robbed included four armed forces members because a suspect said: “The spirit is much stronger in a hero.” Before vandalizing the graves, the suspects drank rum and spit it on the ground and then enjoyed a fine cigar and exhaled the smoke, “to protect them from the spirits.” DNA found on the cigar led the police to the suspects. Said one of the men, “We would have smoked a pipe, but we kept burning our lips on the car’s muffler.”

HALLMARK MOMENT: A rocket scientist in Indianapolis was arrested after waging a four-year long campaign to harass and threaten his ex-wife . . . in Florida. On one occasion he sent her a dead rat and on the other, a black rose. Said the ex-wife, “He was never really romantic during our marriage.”

PUPPY LOVE: The South Korean startup Petpals Lab has announced it developed an artificial intelligence dog collar that can help owners discern what emotions their pets are feeling based on their barks. The collar detects five emotions: “I have to pee,” “I have to poop,” “where is the cat?” “where is my bone?” and “where are my balls?” The price for the collar is $99 or $693 in dog money.

NEW LEASH ON LIFE: A couple in Quebec were fined $3,000 when police spotted the pair walking outside about an hour after the city’s 8 p.m. curfew, with the husband wearing a leash. The city’s curfew allows for dog-walking after 8, but police rejected the couple’s claim they were following rules. What police found more concerning was that the wife was carrying a plastic bag filled with poop. The man had no comment, despite being tapped on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

COMMODE, COMMODE, WHEREVER YOU ARE: Police in Japan arrested a moron for allegedly stealing more than a dozen toilets from houses under construction. The thefts began in October with local media dubbing the elusive crapper-napper “The God of Toilets.” The man was flushed out when he sold a brand-new fixture to a secondhand store in a city. The man arrested said he stole the johns because he had to cover his living expenses after his job ‘tanked.’ He soon escaped from jail however, by jiggling the handle of the prison cell door.

BONGS AWAY! Two New York morons returned their rental car, leaving behind an impressive amount of drugs and paraphernalia in the trunk. Sheriff deputies were called and arrived about the same time the two men returned to retrieve their forgotten stash, which included heroin, oxycodone, pills pressed with fentanyl, marijuana and $6K in cash. Said one man, “Hertz. Ain’t that the truth.”

IF THEY ONLY HAD A BRAIN: Residents in Japan have constructed a towering, 23-foot tall gorilla scarecrow as a symbol of power and strength to scare away COVID-19. It was reported that the construction of the gorilla, made of a steel frame, was covered with rice straw resembling gorilla fur. It turns out the giant gorilla can’t scare COVID away, but it does repel King Ghidorah, Mechagodzilla and Gigan, but attracts allies such as Rodan and Mothra.

IT’S ALL IN THE NAME: When the car “Jethro Geneus” of Port St. Lucie, Florida (!) was riding in was pulled over by police in the wee hours of Jan. 4, he told the officer the bags of brown and white substances found in his backpack were baking supplies – “sugar and a bag of cornstarch to bake a cake,” according to police. In fact, the substances tested positive for molly or ecstasy. At the jail, Geneus dropped another bag of white powder, which tested positive for meth. The man was busted for drugs and for impersonating a Beverly Hillbilly.