I’ve been racking my brain trying to think of pleasant things that happened in 2020.

I fear I may fall short of my expectations.

On the plus side, nobody got murdered by murder hornets, although some neighborhoods in rough parts of town were intimidated by murder hornet gangs. Murder hornets decided to not kill anyone because trying to craft an alibi as an insect is no small feat.

On the downside, we had COVID-19. And COVID-19 had us.

Throughout the year, Donald Trump acted like a cross between Ferris Bueller enjoying a day off and one of the lost Stooges. The slapstick trio, not Iggy Pop’s band.

At one point, Donald Trump recommended that people inject bleach into their bodies to kill the virus. But no, Trump was “just joking.” Because if there is one thing that we do know about Trump, is that he has a wicked sense of humor. It’s very dry, almost completely arid, sort of like a desert during a drought.

Lindsay Graham won re-election in South Carolina. Graham, ever the merry piper, makes Todd Chrisley look downright butch.

Likewise, Mitch “Tickle Me” McConnell won his seat in Kentucky. McConnell, whose age is somewhere around 400 turtle years, is still unable to screw in a lightbulb because he cannot decide which way to turn.

This year we got a close look at the Iowa caucuses, which looked like a cross between Model U.N. and a swap meet.

Trump supporters blamed Barack Obama for not doing more during 9-11, saying he wasn’t even in his office during the attacks, he was probably playing golf. They are correct: Obama was not in his office during the terrorist attacks, since George W. was president at the time. Said one Trump fanatic: “Facts? We don’t need no stinking facts!”

Donald Trump’s State of the Union was awkward at best. Trump always acts resentful that he was never invited to one of Dean Martin’s Celebrity Roasts. This year, Donald Trump refused to shake Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s hand so Pelosi tore up a copy of Trump’s speech. Both were asked to stay after the speech was over for a good tongue lashing by McConnell, although it really just turned into McConnell slowly licking both of their faces, tortoise-style. The turtle-fused slop-fest lasted days.

Donald and Melania Trump both got the coronavirus and Trump drank an elixir that magically cured him, and according to his own account, made him immune from the disease. That taught Trump that life is too short so he dedicated the remainder of the year to playing golf.

Twenty-twenty was a year that taught us to wash our hands, wear masks and socially distance ourselves from everyone else. We knew one thing that would get us through this terrible blight: lots and lots of toilet paper. Eight packs, 16-packs, 32-packs. I even joined the toilet paper of the month club.

This year also brought us to our knees – not to pray- but to duck, as everybody blamed the other side for everything going on. Masks were proven to be effective as a way to stop the spread of respiratory droplets, wait, no, masks don’t work, they’re a political statement. So the long and the short of it was, if you wanted to be political and take a stand and not wear a mask, you could get COVID, which was kind of a getting punch first in a fist fight. There’s a badge of honor in their somewhere.

This year, it was virtually impossible to find a picture of President Trump when he wasn’t yelling.

And the verdict is still out on what tally is higher: The number of times Trump tweeted in 2020, or the number of times that Melania Trump swatted her husband’s hand away when he attempted to touch her.

Pardons by Donald Trump to his legion of friends were handed out like cigars at the birth of a baby. Former national security adviser Michael Flynn, who pled guilty to lying to the FBI, no big whoop, spouted more unfounded voter-fraud conspiracy theories that have been pushed by QAnon followers. Flynn also said that a vague unnamed group of people was “after” him. QAnon, the baseless far-right conspiracy theory that alleges Trump is fighting to destroy a “deep state” cabal of pedophiles. I’ve started my own organization, called QRazy. I’m hoping to have both Flynn and fellow pardoned Roger Stone as poster children for my campaign.

Let’s hope for the best in 2021. And Happy New Year – may the next year be full of grace and not so much an orange face.

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