It’s that time of year, when people put aside their petty differences, relax their political posturing and take down their Halloween decorations (finally, I’m talking to you, house on the corner, that still had gauze ghosts hanging from every tree in your yard). Instead, we wrap our eggnog-filled heads around beloved Christmas carols and songs and agree on one thing: they suck. Christmas music is almost universally unbearable. Sure, there are many classics, but for every Nat King Cole or Bing “The belt’s coming off!” Crosby, there are oodles of fresh disasters, as every music artist on the planet puts out the contractual obligation holiday album filled with staples and originals that amount to a lump of coal. Or a lump of something.

Few Christmas songs are cool. Most are hokey, redundant and … redundant. Paradoxically, the songs that have stood the test of tine are by artists who were the coolest in their day, from Elvis Presley’s “Blue Christmas,” to “Wham’s “Last Christmas.” Christmas songs should make you happy and nostalgic, not chomping at the bit to kill a chipmunk. I’m talking to you Alvin.

So here are a few chestnuts that shouldn’t just be roasted by an open fire; they should be burned in an incinerator.

Oh, Holy Blight: Christina Aguilera, the only person I know who can belt out one note, change it rhythmically 423 times, make dogs howl and remove the rust from a chrome fender with the sound of her voice, forever ruins “Oh Holy Night.” You know that one house on your block that’s covered from lawn to chimney top with garish, blinking lights, animatronic reindeer and a Charlie Brown nativity scene? This song is less subtle.

Pent-up anger: Cyborg carolers and acapella group Pentatonix’s “That’s Christmas to Me,” grates on me like a spoon down the garbage disposal. The group, made up of Tommy Hilfiger mannequins that come to life one the store closes at night, has 18 million views on YouTube. This original song should have joined the spoon.

Gag reflex: “Christmas Tree” is a bizarre innuendo pop-nightmare where the ever-evolving Lady Gaga alludes to her nether region as ‘under the Christmas tree’ and sings ‘ho, ho, ho/under the mistletoe/let’s all take off our clothes.’ This is just plain bizarre, even for a woman that wore a dress of raw meat. Call on the dogs, bring out the jerky.

There’s ‘Brown’ stuff on your shoe: Donny Hathaway’s brilliant early 70s Christmas classic, “This Christmas” is given the overly-melismatic treatment by pop bad boy (read: understatement of the year) Chris Brown.

There’s no need for a remake when the original is fantastic. But in honor of Brown, go hit something.

Santa boo-boo: Where to begin? Eartha Kitt’s “Santa Baby” is one of the greatest Christmas songs ever cut. The newer version by Madonna? It is not. The tempo and delivery here make it sound like Madonna is trying get the recording session behind her as fast as possible. That combined with her Betty Boop-meets-infant toddler vocals makes this track sound one of Oz’s munchkins got into the liquor cabinet. On the plus side, this track is as dumb and silly as Madonna’s faux British accent that she suddenly acquired after moving to the U.K. Madonna – you’re from Bay City, Michigan, for Pete’s sake.

Jingle bawl: When you Google David Hasselhoff’s name, the first two results are “Is David Hasselhoff dead?” and “Why is David Hasselhoff famous in Germany?” The former geriatric “Baywatch” lifeguard recorded “Jingle Bells,” probably because someone else lost a bet. And we’re all paying the price.

Take back that Nobel: Bob Dylan’s “Must Be Santa” must have been cut after someone in the mixing booth released laughing gas into the studio. This frantic polka, I kid you not, would have probably forced Tom Petty to start singing like anyone else if we were alive to fix this mess.

Cream of the crap: Seventies “Cuchi Cuchi!” sex bomb Charo took valuable time away from make her umpteenth “Love Boat” appearance to record, “Mamacita, Donde Esta Santa Claus?” and the result is a disco equivalent of a soiled diaper. Unimaginative and simply awful, this why people burned disco albums. It’s also why people jump from bridges.

Newsletter