Between freakishly weird toys, devilish Christmas carols and frigheningly uncomfortable holiday TV specials, someone is out to spook the kids during this most joyful of all joyous seasons. Grandma getting run over by a reindeer is the least of our worries, and yes, some tortured soul at a TV network greenlighted a holiday special based on this insipid novelty holiday song. I’m guessing that in a production company somewhere nestled in the San Fernando Valley just outside of Hollywood, there’s a group of madmen (and women) sitting around a conference room bedazzled by black light posters and monster bongs, conjuring up the next great, disturbing toy, freaky Christmas carol or sinister cartoon. I’d close the chimney flue. Who needs a fat, jolly home invasion right about now?

Grin and bury it: The king of the toybox is Teddy Ruxpin, that loveable but irascible talking bear from the ’80s that giggled and read you stories when you jammed a cassette tape into his back. Adorable? Or Chucky in a fur coat? There’s something unsettling about Ruxpin’s chattiness combined with his dead-eyes stare. Long have there been tales of this thing talking even when the batteries have been removed. And there’s something that many people still find grotesque or at the very least creepy about animatronic machines like Teddy. Just the tagline-“A Friend for Life Comes to Life”-seems a little ominous in an advertisement that depicts the bear as Frankenstein’s monster. Let’s grab a torch and pitchfork and spread some holiday cheer.

Kiss On My List: Some weird kind of three-way underpins 1952’s Xmas ditty, “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.” I mean, nothing says the holiday season like a little casual adultery, right?

Red alert: “Santa Claus is Coming to Town,” is a dark 1970 stop motion animated special about the town of “Sombertown,” which is ruled by the ludicrously-named mayor “Burgermeister Meisterburger,” whose hobbies include gorging on animal carcasses and throwing unwanted babies into the “Orphan Asylum.” As well as these sinister overtones, one of the disturbingly titled songs, “If You Sit On My Lap Today,” features the lyric, “a kiss a toy is the price you’ll pay,” confirming every parent’s worst fears about the true nature of mall Santas.

Get Baked: Nothing says fun for the kiddies more than a burning hot lightbulb, some chintzy pink plastic and 30-year-old cake mix. Introduced by Hasbro in the 1960’s, this Easy Bake Oven/toy deathtrap has enchanted little girls as they learn the basics of domestic living. (Not too sexist.) After hitting the market, reports began to pile up of injuries the oven caused to children. (Their small hands and fingers could get caught in the oven’s opening, and even inflicted second-and-third degree burns to the mini Gordon Ramseys out there.) One of those reports was of a 5-year-old girl who had to have part of her finger amputated. Guess the correct finger and give it to Hasbro.

Kill switch: Nothing says Christmas like the massacre of the innocents. Dating back to the 16th century, the “Coventry Carol” was apparently sung as part of a Christmas play made up of stories from the Gospel of Matthew which, for those keeping score, covers the life of Jesus and his crucifixion. In keeping with that upbeat theme, “Coventry Carol’s” lyrics are written and sung from the perspective of mothers soothing their young sons before they’re executed by King Herod’s men carrying out the deaths of all male children in Bethlehem younger than 2 years old. And they say Christmas is for the kids.

What’s it all about, Alfie? While the festive season is supposed to be a joyful and celebratory time, for some, it can be bleak and miserable. It’s a good thing for those people, then, that the 1987 “ALF Christmas Special” doesn’t air anymore, because it might just be enough to send them over the edge. In this holiday episode, ALF — the lovable, furry alien — literally drives a recently widowed man named Willie to jump off a bridge. (Cue laugh track.) ALF also visits sick kids and tells them that Santa isn’t real. Why not just plop the tikes in front of the TV and show them “Old Yeller” while you’re at it?

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