Everyone from David Hasselhoff to Billy Idol has cashed in on the yuletide market, but for every “Charlie Brown Christmas” by the flawless Vince Guaraldi Trio, there is a “Jingle Bells,” barked by dogs. We can deal with ugly Christmas sweaters to a degree, but nobody wants to hear a Jethro Tull holiday album. How many flute solos can one person stomach?

So grab some nog and nestle in as these delicate air biscuits hit your ears like a 15 pound fruitcake. Enjoy the rest of this swill that stirs my cup of holiday jeer.

D.O.A: “Christmas on Death Row” (1996), is perfect for getting into the holiday spirit without losing street cred. Hip-hop label Death Row Records gathered a few of their stablemates to make this album, chock full of new tracks and reimagined chestnuts, including Snoop Dogg’s “Santa Claus Goes Straight to the Ghetto.” If you hate Christmas music, this might just do it for you. Gold chains, diamond grills and velour sweatsuits not included.

God Save the Queen: “Punk Goes Christmas,” (2013), is proof that the world was running short on landfill. This abysmal set is hard to comprehend, and even harder to listen to. Most of the songs are indecipherable, with the exception of New Found Glory’s “Nothing for Christmas,” which is convenient because I’d rather get nothing for Xmas than ever have to listen to this stink bomb again. Imagine a 16 year-old emo, pogo-stick dancing in his basement bedroom and you get the idea of who this album was directed towards. The one saving grace is the theme from “Home Alone,” by August Burns Red. Merry Christmas, ya’ filthy animal.

Don’t sweat it: I can assure you that Keith Sweat’s “A Christmas of Love,” (2017) has never been played in a department store over the holidays. There is nothing more uncomfortable than an overtly sexy Christmas. I mean, who among us hasn’t had too much to drink at the office Xmas party and Frenched Susie in accounting. (I have not.)But when the lead single here is about getting it on, “like Santa Claus would,” you probably need to double-book your weekly therapy sessions. Christmastime is a time for love and togetherness, not sexual harassment. Keith Sweat makes R. Kelly look like a camp counselor.

Sweet home, this album’s awful: Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Christmas Time Again” (2000) raises the question, “Please God, why?” This steaming pile has all the unbearable originals you can imagine and all the classics you can’t, all done Skynyrd-style. And then, out of nowhere, comes a straight-up version of “Greensleeves.”

This contractual-obligation album should come with lumps of coal and a medical marijuana card.

This Justin: Leave it to Bieber – Justin Bieber – to screw up “Under the Mistletoe” (2011), which proves you can dress like Barbra Streisand in “Yentl” but you still can’t sing like her. “Mistletoe” features a bunch of big wig guests to help him sing, and boy, does he need it. He may be ripped and tattooed today, but back then, this kid made Wonder Bread fashionable. The acoustic, “Silent Night,” likely sent flocks of “Beliebers” straight into a long hot shower. And how’s this for a head-scratcher: “The wise men followed a star/The way I followed my heart… Imma be under the mistletoe/Shawty with you.” This is best left to anyone bedazzled by auto-tuned vocals, electronic keyboards and shiny objects.

Star Dreck: “Shatner Claus- The Christmas Album” (2018), by none other than schlock-meister William Shatner is positively dreadful. Shatner doesn’t sing, in so much as he simply speaks the lyrics. On every song. For the whole album. “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” sounds like he’s reading a grocery list. He even calls Donner, “Donder.” He might as well of just said, “Blunder.” Poor Bill needs to get a Vulcan grip on his career.

Jingle Bell Snot: Michael Bolton’s “This Is The Time” (1996), begs the question, “If this is the time, then my watch must be broken.” Smokin’ Bolton belts familiar yuletide songs with all the flair of a used car salesman. It’s been said that when Bolton get physically intense on some of his lyrics, it can actually induce childbirth.

We’re caught in a trap: “Elvis Presley and Guests- Christmas Duets” (2008) was the king’s holiday album from 1957 and has been prized by fans and musicians for more than half a century, but that’s no excuse for these posthumous Pro-Tools-engineered pairings with Martina McBride, Carrie Underwood and Anne Murray… Anne Murray? What? Did someone lose a Canadian bet or something? Was K.D. Lang busy?

How Jewvenile: The Yeshiva Boys Choir’s “Chanukah” (2011) demonstrates that Hanukkah offerings aren’t immune from the excesses that torpedo many Christmas collections. This session of overblown, ’80s-drenched Yiddish pop is only for those who find the Trans-Siberian Orchestra’s Christmas prog-rock blowouts too culturally biased.

We blow together: John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John’s “This Christmas” (2012) reunites the “Grease” duo after some 348 years (approximately) to spread some holiday cheer, creating the musical equivalent of a menopausal hot flash.

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