In the indelible words of Ace of Base, “I saw the sign. It’s opened up my eyes. I saw the sign.”

The sign I’m referring to is a billboard, also called a hoarding in the United Kingdom and many other parts of the world. A large outdoor structure (a billing board), they’re usually found in high traffic areas, either on busy roads or highways, or in places like Times Square.

Some are boring, others outrageous. Read on.

‘Mad’ about you: A billboard for the dating service Ashley Madison, where they tout, “feel the thrill of adventurous dating.” Adventurous dating? Who’s the date with? Caligula? Ivan the Terrible? In actuality, Ashley Madison is well-known for providing “discrete connections.” Hmmm. Why they don’t just call it a hook-up or “getting some strange” is beyond me. And their billboard? “Life is short. Have an affair.” Yeah, that did wonders for Anne Boylen.

Shirley, you’re joking: In 2017, billboards were popping up in New York and Los Angeles that read, “Netflix is a joke.” Initially, confused commuters, pedestrians and passersby started scratching their heads at the sight of the stark white billboards, free of branding and images and only stamped with text spelling out the short and seemingly insulting declaration. No one imagined this was an inside job, as Netflix began advertising its line-up of celebrity specials featuring Jerry Seinfeld and Chris Rock, to name two, that would be airing on the network. Next: A billboard deciphering the Nobel Prize-winning Bob Dylan’s lyrics to every one of his songs, as explained by the ghosts of Joe Cocker and Tom Petty.

Aye aye, sir, coming in hot: No billboard will make you cross your legs faster than the ones for syphilis, “that infinite malady.” History points to “adventure daters” who suffered from “the great pox,” and “God’s round of applause.” They include Shakespeare, Christopher Columbus, Mussolini and Al Capone.

That’s no lady, that’s my wife: Popular around the country are the billboards that read, “Your wife is hot… Time to get your A/C fixed.” Yuk yuk. Try this one for an Illinois attorney, “It doesn’t matter how hot your wife is. Eventually, you’ll get sick of her,” or, one for this L.A. attorney, “If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s sarcasm.”

All the single ladies: The billboard for Robbin’s Diamonds of Newmark, Delaware is simply a woman flipping the bird (technically her ring finger) and the text, “She’s tired of waiting.” This is actually one of several around the country.

“Don’t break it off (just because she has a wooden leg,”) is also in the running. Sort of.

Candy is dandy: A billboard advertising Lee’s Discount Liquor in Las Vegas gets to the crux of the matter: “Alcohol. It’s cheaper than therapy.” True. But when’s the last time you saw your psychiatrist and went home and prayed to the porcelain God?

Mac attack: Someone had some fun at McDonald’s expense. Their billboard, featuring a “Big Xtra,” read, “Treat a friend. Heck, treat them all.” But someone with a red Sharpie changed the sign to read, “Eat a friend. Heck, eat them all.” Donner, party of twelve. Your table is ready.

This dud’s for you: Budweiser caught some expected flak over their billboard, which read, “Say no to drugs. That way, you’ll have more time to drink.” Flattering, yes. But putting up a sign like this, is like saying “Don’t settle for any girl. Come to the Moonlite Bunny Ranch in Mound House, Nevada, where we have over 50 to choose from!”

Footless and fancy free: A sign for BayCare features two ads, side-by-side. The first, showing a bottle with a “+” on it, reads “I need antibiotics. Urgent Care.” The second ad, featuring a bottle with a skull on it, says, “I need antivenom. Emergency Care.” So if you’re somewhere between a sneeze and a rattlesnake bite, you’ll know what to do.

Potluck: The Arts District Cannabis Collective combines information with practical assistance. The billboard that reads, “AD/CC,” features a big arrow, which draws folks’ attention to a rare luxury in some urban environment: free parking. That’s enough right there to sell people on a product and then watch them sit in your parking lot for two hours eating 7-11 corndogs, wondering how they got there, and thinking, “Ho-Ho’s would be awesome right now.”

Nice placement: A billboard featuring two different ads pretty much sums things up. On the left is a sign for Giant Food & Pharmacy; the sign on the right is for Dick’s Sporting Goods. I’ll give you a second… Not quite as clever as the realtor sign for an open house featuring the “Power team of Ken & Chuck.” Chuck, wouldn’t you know, is a ventriloquist dummy. For real. And the duo has been voted “8th Best Real Estate Team” in the area, which I assume is either in Hollywood, CA. or Pinecrest, FL.

Can’t argue with that: One billboard read, “This year, thousands of men will die from stubbornness.” To which, someone spray painted the reply, “No we won’t.” It’s unclear what the ad is for, and you have to give someone credit for crawling 30 feet off the ground to add their declaration. Can you imagine falling while doing that? That would be one heck of a eulogy: “He painted the sign/and ruined their branding/then fell off of the sign/but he did stick the landing.”

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