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Bad Santa

By George Pelletier - Milford Bureau Chief | Nov 21, 2020

As we begin the gift-giving season, sometimes it’s hard to find the right gift for that special someone. So much easier is finding the wrong gift for the right person. Here’s a list of some of my favorites. Do yourself a favor, find a stocking and stuff it.

Kentucky Fried Idea: Is someone you know always on the go, but has a constant hankering for fried chicken? Everyone can relax now with “Archie McPhee’s Fried Chicken Candy.” Hard candy for the hard-to-please person on your Xmas list. Skip the butterscotch candies in your pocket and reach for this sweet sorrow. The candies themselves might look edible; on the other hand, they might look like a laid egg that came out screwy. If you long for the taste of chicken and you’re willing to jowl joust this hard atrocity, good luck. Or just suck on a bouillon cube or down a Ramen noodles flavoring packet. Chalky, but tasty.

String theory: The “Sublimated Guitar T-shirt” has a giant hole in the middle/torso, with strings attached from your neck to your waist. Here, you become one with the guitar, as you cement your reputation as worst party guest ever. Practice your fingerings or strike a chord. Either way, you can walk around with a smile on your face as you pluck yourself silly.

Paws for concern: Perfect for that friend who always wanted hairy feet, the “Animal Paw Socks” look and feel like the real McCoy, or McFido or McRover, but also look and feel mighty creepy. I dare any girl to wear them to the next Coachella festival and pretend that you’re just not a fan of shaving your legs. Or your toes, as this gift would have it.

Bloody hell: The authentic and I’ll admit it, fun-looking “Shark Bath Bomb” is a sponge/loofah that resembles Bruce the Shark from “Jaws.” Ideal for clean freaks who like to take a bath in bloody, shark-infested waters. (The soap that the shark’s mouth emits is red. Get it?) What a great gift that says, “I love you” and “Didn’t that scare the hell out of you?”

Pie-eyed: Instead of cloaking yourself in shame as you binge watch “Dancing With The Stars” or as I like to call it, “The D-List Dance-a-thon,” wrap yourself in this luxurious and totally flammable plush pleasure provider, “The Pizza Cozy,” that looks like a giant pizza. But make no mistake: There will still be some level of shame involved, only this time the shape resembles pepperoni and extra cheese.

Playing footsies: The “Taco Booties” are slippers that resemble a hard shell taco with all the fixins’. But if your friend’s dog is prone to eating their shoes, by all means, buy them these booties that look good enough to gobble. Putting the “Ugh” in Uggs, for nearly a half a year. And while we’re on this Mexican stand-off, why not pick up a “Burrito Baby.” I mean, who amongst us has never imagined swaddling a newborn baby in a cozy tortilla shell? The breathable cotton-polyester blend keeps your little dream killer and poop factory comfortable no matter the temperature, while the tiny matching tortilla hat tops the delicious ensemble off and will provide ample therapy fodder for them later in life. Also, dogs love ’em!

Suds up: Ah, Lucky Lager, when a Pabst Blue Ribbon is just too damn fancy. “Lucky Lager Soap” proves that crappy beer can enjoy new life, and I don’t mean great going down, not so great coming back up. Made with olive, coconut and avocado oil, red clay, activated bamboo charcoal and the favorite beer of drunk uncles and millwrights from Gonic, New Hampshire to, well, Rollingsford, New Hampshire. This is probably one of the few ways to enjoy Lucky Lager that won’t end in a bar fight, hangover or missed child support payment.

Coffee, tea or nutjob: Everyone in your birding group knows you’re a real killer with the chamomile and executioner of Earl Grey. So why not put your steeped bad-assery on full display with this leathery lethal weapon, “The Teacup Holster,” that fits precisely one teacup and one saucer. While some might foolishly ask where one might put the cream and sugar, as you well know cream and sugar are for wusses and commies.

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