Some idioms have certainly stood the test of time. Others don’t make sense anymore. And for every Ben Franklin metaphor we toss around, there are a few that should be figuratively sent to the glue factory. Neigh.

MILKING IT: The saying, “Don’t cry over spilled milk” may be fine if you’re an international dairy titan, but what if you’re not? Perhaps you’re heir to the Oreo Dynasty and have one last glass of milk left? Wouldn’t crying over spilled milked in this case be an acceptable response? Yes. Should you bawl? Perhaps, but only with the cow’s permission. (And if you’re lactose intolerant, it’s a moooot point.) In actuality, you should definitely cry over spilled milk. The reason? Bereaved people who make the most effort to avoid feeling grief take the longest to recover from their loss. If you don’t cry over the milk, how will you avoid spilling it again? For me, I found my answer in a sippy cup, but that’s a discussion for another day, with another therapist.

CHA-CHING: The idiom, “Money Can’t Buy Happiness,” may be true, but you can rent it for an hour, which should put a smile on anyone’s face. In truth, you should buy happiness for someone else – like buying someone a bouquet of flowers or your buddy a lap dance.

PICK ONE ALREADY: “Pick the lowest-hanging fruit first” typically applies to business, meaning go for the easiest win for a quick payoff. But in actuality, starting with the “low hanging fruit” is load of horse apples. Fruit that is high up is exposed to the sun and ripens fastest. If you pick the low hanging fruit, you haven’t given it time to develop. Now, in bar terms, “picking the lowest hanging fruit” means go ugly early. If you’re looking to make a date with someone, don’t hold out for the prettiest face in the room; you’ll just be disappointed or end up paying for drinks all night.

SNOW, RIGHT? Whoever said, “As pure as the driven snow,” clearly hasn’t experienced our New England weather two days after a blizzard, once the plows have piled up six feet of dirty snow at the end of your driveway, right after you’re done shoveling. In truth, pure white snow is actually a magnet for car exhaust pollution. Think about that the next time you’re making a snow angel and cough up a lung.

WAIT UNTIL DARK: The idiom, “It’s darkest just before the dawn,” is moronic. That’s only true if there is little to no visible moonlight. It’s actually darkest in the middle of the night, when the sun is exactly opposite the face of the Earth that you’re standing on. The phrase “darkest just before dawn” was coined by English theologian Thomas Fuller. Ergo, the quote is rooted in energy healing. Hot stones + hot yoga = hot mess.

C’MON GET HAPPY: The saying, “It takes more muscles to frown than to smile,” is bunk. A small smile takes about ten muscles to raise the upper lip and the corners of the mouth, while a small frown takes only three muscles to drop the lower lip and the corners of the mouth. So, sorry, a smile does not save you energy. On the plus side, research shows that people are more likely to greet a smile with a smile. It releases endorphins and serotonin to make you happier. Besides, if you smile all the time people will begin to wonder where you’ve buried the body.

POLE VAULT: “Low man on the totem pole.” Anyone who describes themselves in this manner is likely bemoaning their lowly station in an organization. For example, if you are the one at a crime scene who draws the chalk line around a victim, you are somewhat high on the totem pole. If you are the one eating the chalk, you probably lick windows, too.

JUST SHOOT ME: I don’t know anyone who says, “Shoot for the moon, Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.” Barf. Probably the “My Pillow” zealot or former Democratic presidential candidate (for about eight seconds), Marianne Williamson. The truth is, assuming you timed your botched moonshot with a solar eclipse so that the moon is perfectly aligned with Sol, our nearest star, you’d still have to go another 93 million miles of floating before you reach it. On the bright side: You’d die of cosmic radiation halfway there so, you’d better stock up on the aloe vera.

LEMON LAW: “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” I say when life gives you lemonade, grab the vodka. And for the record, if you were given lemons, the best you can hope for is lemon juice. So add that to a Cosmopolitan and you’re in business. And go ugly early.

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