Staff photo by Kevin Jacobus^^Mike Morin, 7/19/2005.

I always wanted to write a scratch ‘n sniff newspaper column. I guess today’s is as close as I will ever come. Face masks, like it or not, are here to stay for now. Forgive me for “being in your face” with this, but it’s the only way to approach virus protection.

If you hate wearing masks, you can always get even with the rest of us by making a bunch of money selling them. If you haven’t noticed, face masks have become big business. Projections are that masks could be a 9-billion industry in 2021. It’s not too late to jump in.

Just like those Christmas pop-up stores that appear in vacant mall spaces every year, a Miami entrepreneur has started a pop-up retail mall business called COVID-19 Essentials. Nadav Benimetzky had a plan.

“There are already so many stores that have gone out of business in malls. We would find a vacant store and take over.” But how do you make a living selling pandemic face protection? Easy. Charge $129 for an electric mask. COVID-19 Essentials sells a version that has a fan in it to cool your face. That one is more popular in tropical Miami than Merrimack.

If nothing else, it will dissipate the stink of the sausage and onion sub you had at Jersey Mike’s that you would otherwise be inhaling for hours. I do have a few issues with Nadav’s business plan.

Like shoe stores, will shoppers be allowed to try a mask on before buying it? I mean, you need to be sure it’s comfortable and looks good on you. Of course, if you decide not to buy it, who wants to take home your Jersey Mike scented mask once you’ve had it on your face? Not me.

Secondly, since we are all supposed to wear masks in public, how do store employees know if the one you’re wearing isn’t one you lifted and never paid for? And speaking of theft, at $129, will the mask store be forced to attach those anti-theft radio devices you also find on your Jordache jeans that a clerk has to remove before you trigger an ear-splitting alarm?

I wonder if Mr. Benimetzky signed a 10-year lease with the three malls he’s in. That would be troubling, thinking this virus could be hanging around another nine years. Or that his business acumen is not what they teach at the Wharton Business School. So, there are obstacles.

Trending right now is the Hormel bacon mask…I like bacon, but it isn’t special anymore if I’m inhaling it for hours every day. There is also a chicken scented mask. I’m in if it’s Popeye’s. There are bubble gum masks, cucumber/lavender-scented face coverings and peppermint is bound to be popular this year at Christmas.

I wonder if Nadav is selling four-course Thanksgiving masks. If he is, I’m buying a case of the ones that smell like stuffing.

I will, however, refuse to buy the “Elf in a Nostril” mask this Christmas.

Contact Mike Morin at mike morinmedia@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @MikeMorinMedia. His column runs the first, third and fifth Sundays of the month.