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Work is a four-letter word

By George Pelletier - Milford Bureau Chief | Oct 17, 2020

While I often have ruminated about dream jobs (say becoming an honnorary Kardashian or a Salvia boutique interior decorator), I often return to the scene of the crime. While not doing anything particularly stirring at work recently, I decided to see what other jobs I might be well suited for. Here are the results. It’s not pretty.

Shredded Cheese Authority – Apparently, everybody does have an opinion on everything, including shredded cheese. Here’s what I know about cheese: It’s best to shred your own cheese, there is cellulose from wood pulp in cheese, Velveeta is not good for you, string cheese is fun to watch someone eat and it’s bad to cut the cheese when you’re at dinner. Just ask for a slice.

Pornography historian – To wit, I have facts: A new porn film is created in the United States every 39 minutes. According to one adult website, states that spent the longest average time on their sites were Mississippi and Arkansas. (After all, how many empty Pabst Blue Ribbon beer cans can you shoot off your cousin’s head in one afternoon?) Porn revenue is larger than all professional basketball, baseball and football franchises combined. And on February 1, 2009, Comcast Cable accidentally aired 37 seconds of porn during Super Bowl XLIII. To which viewers responded, “Game? What game?”

Mall Santa – According to GOBankingRates, Santa’s salary itself varies; the median is about $30 an hour, but rates can be as low as $12 (coal for that employer) and as high as a whopping $75. For that kind of money, I’ll sit in Santa’s lap but will ask him to Simonize my car. Also, as we’re having a very COVID Christmas, it’s expected that kids will have to settle for seeing Santa behind those Plexiglass sneeze guards that are normally reserved for salad bars and all-you-can-eat buffets, which might be a kind of handy learning tool for pesky youngsters who often get into trouble. As adults, they may have to become accustomed to talking to people or a public defender through safety glass windows.

Ex-moonshiner – I suppose becoming an ex-moonshiner is for those who find the glitz and glamor of moonshining too taxing on the soul.

Fire distinguisher – Man 1: “There’s a fire here!” Fire distinguisher: “Yes, that’s a fire.” Man 2: “There’s a fire over here, too!” Fire distinguisher: “That’s not a fire, that’s a banana.”

Halloween costume model – You don’t think those naughty nurses dress themselves, do you? (Actually, they do. And you can get into a world of hurt if you try to help them one way or the other.)

Class pet – Also known as office pet. Or so I’m called. I mean told.

Viagra tester – Or read my new book, “What I Did When I Pledged a Fraternity.”

Brain surgeon – I have no medical training but I have some really good ideas. And I swear I won’t make a misteak.

Truant officer – When I was a kid growing up, there was always this “job analysis” test that determined what you’d be best suited to as an adult. Truant officer ranked high on my list. That and “excellent underachiever” and also, “pit boss.”

Dittybopper – I got this confused with teenybopper, which I thought based on my gum-chewing skills and hair product prowess, that I would be good at dittybopping. A dittybopper, however, is someone who communicates via Morse Code. It’s also probably a person who walks around with an eternal Atomic Wedgie and eats their lunch every day with the crossing guard.

A Piccoloist – A person who plays the piccolo, sometimes called a pickler, usually called annoying.

Rectangular affairs analyst – A horizontal person who stares at a bedroom ceiling. See also: Streetwalker. See also: Michaelangelo.

Professional cow tipper – A hard job to find nowadays, since rotten teenagers are doing it for free.

Phlebotomist – The people who draw your blood at the hospital. See also: TV evangelists.

Mime – Nature’s way of thinning out the clown herd.

Knob polisher – I believe this has to do with giving a good cleaning. I think I saw one on “The Handmaid’s Tale.”

Hobo – Thought to be hunted into extinction in the 1930’s. See also: Boxcar Willie.

Head honcho – During my last job review, I told my boss that it was my career goal to be the head honcho. Now I polish knobs. But I’m working my way up to knockers.

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