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Not necessarily the news

By George Pelletier - Milford Bureau Chief | Oct 10, 2020

Once again, I’ve combed the annals of dumb pop culture news and regurgitated its content for you like a mother bird feeding its young. Chew wisely.

Give that man an orange jumpsuit: Authorities in Florida arrested a man for trying to break into a prison so that he could visit with friends. The vacuous suspect got snared in a fence’s razor wire and was apprehended on the spot. One cop reportedly said, “That was a close shave. Get it? Because he fell in razor wire!” That officer now eats alone in the lunchroom and is the last one picked for dodgeball at recess. Fellow policemen also said that officer has “cooties.”

Concrete evidence: A Maryland man smacked himself in the head with a brick after throwing it at a window in an attempt to break in. The brick bounced back, injuring the rocket scientist. As birds and stars flew around the man’s head, he said, “Does anyone have an aspirin? Or a MENSA application?”

The vaped crusader: A Colorado idiot savant, minus the savant moniker, ran from a botched robbery at an E-cigarette store with his pants falling down. Stating he thought the place was a shop that sold belts, besides dropping his pants, the man also dropped a B.B. gun during the robbery, which was retrieved by a store clerk. Police are now on the lookout for a man with his pants around his ankles and possibly, a squirting lapel flower. A local circus, seeing the post on Facebook detailing the attempted robbery, said, “Come to think of it, we are missing a clown.”

Shop ’til you stop (to give an interview): A Georgia man, arrested in connection with a slew of bank robberies, revealed his real name after he appeared on-camera during an interview with a local news station. The man removed his sunglasses, a hoodie and du-rag to speak to the reporter, referencing the articles by saying, “These are just my work clothes.” He also asked if the interviewer knew what time the banks opened in that area.

This guy’s a real card: Police in New Mexico arrested a 40-year-old brainiac after they discovered he was responsible for an alleged theft at a local consignment store. The man was apprehended because he handed the clerk his business card containing his personal information. Apparently, the man didn’t know the difference between a robber’s calling card and a moron’s business card.

Just glad to see you: Police say a Florida man attempted to shoplift 15 quart-sized bottles of motor oil and 30 DVDs from a 7-Eleven by stuffing the items down his pants.

Waddling out of the store apparently caught the attention of store employees, who apprehended the man by pelting him with dangerously over-cooked hotdogs from 2017. Cops said the man couldn’t muster the strength to get up and that they relished the opportunity to put him in cuffs. One cop, who lagged behind, was finally able to catch up.

The gangs’ all here: Two men tried to rob a pub in Maryland without realizing it was hosting a cop’s retirement party. Tweetle-Dee and Tweetle-Dum fled the bar, but didn’t make it far, as cops, brandishing pretzels and pickled eggs, allegedly chased the men down a rabbit hole. Said Alice, “Get the hell out of my apartment.”

What a drag: In ever-so-popular Florida, police arrested three male suspects for stealing gift cards from a Home Depot. After being confronted by a store employee, the three teens, who were dressed as women, complete with wigs, handbags and heels, put the store clerk in a headlock, shouting “That hideous vest you’re wearing clashes with your shoes! And who does your hair, girlfriend, a weed wacker?”

What, no tomato soup? A man in Maryland got into an argument with his wife after she allegedly took a bite out of his grilled cheese sandwich. The woman and her children fled, resulting in a three-hour armed standoff between the cheese-loving man and police. Said one officer through a bullhorn, attempting to defuse the situation,” Come out now with your hands up. We have some nice SpaghettiOs for you.”

Stop or I’ll shoot (a movie): Indiana police responded to a call of a man entering a local bar wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. The problem was the man was an actor, holding a prop gun on a film production set. As the D-list actor removed his mask, police fired a single shot at him. Said the thespian, “I know I am no Sir Laurence Olivier, but seriously? Everyone’s a critic.”

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