Staff photo by Kevin Jacobus^^Mike Morin, 7/19/2005.

Can we start the countdown to 2021 already? I am so done with 2020.

Breaking news: There will be no Times Square dropping of the Tiffany crystal ball for New Year’s Eve this December. Instead, it will be a virtual event. And, can we strike the word ‘virtual’ from the Funk and Wagnalls 2021 dictionary? Or end the dictionary with the “Y” words so I don’t have to see ‘Zoom’ in the next edition?

Another reason to prematurely pull a few more pages from the calendar? While we were busy trying to avoid COVID-19, we’ve been under siege by yet another plague. If you live in Nashua, you know where I’m going with this. STINK BUGS! They have begun their migration into our homes for the winter.

If you were fearful coronavirus would mutate, the bugs already have. These walking stink bombs appear to come in two varieties. One is the western conifer seed bug and the other is the heftier brown mamorated stink bug. They look alike. Even though both species feast on outdoor vegetation, Alyssa told me she accidentally slept with one.

“I had one crawling on me in my sleep. I thought it was just hair until I felt it moving and I freaked out and flung it and it stank.” Just like in the song, You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch “The three words that best describe you are as follows and I quote, stink, stank, stunk.”

I nearly blew my nose into a tissue this morning until I noticed a stink bug already got to it. For the record, it was the brown mamorated version. Yet, despite invading my Puffs, I couldn’t get myself to kill the little guy. As with most harmless intruders with six legs, I show them the door and send them on their way. Facebook friend, Fred, has another plan.

“I have a little bug vacuum that I bought on Amazon. I either pick them up with that, or a piece of toilet paper, and then just flush them. If you do pick them up, do so carefully. There is a reason that they are called stink bugs!” Seriously, Fred, a vacuum? And please do not flush. If everybody flushed their stink bugs, the 2020 Annual Pennichuck Water Quality Report will, no doubt, need to explain why Nashua’s water taste is declining. Just let the little guy go.

The best stink bug story comes in from Kevin, whose Ring doorbell motion-detecting surveillance camera was activated by a stink bug. I saw the video. Has it come to that? We need technology to protect us from stink bugs?

I am going to offer a solution that is already under your nose. Or maybe over it as you read this. Most of us already own face masks for the pandemic. The next time you spot a stink bug, just slip it on and there will be no stink.

Don’t forget to buy a tap water filter. And send the bill to flushing Fred.

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