Ever since drug companies began advertising on television in 1997, viewers have been barraged with the latest end-all cures for whatever ails you. The names, clever or clumsy, come with a bevy of side effects.

Since Washington D.C. is so busy lately, what with distancing themselves from the Donald, I thought I might take somethings off the FDA’s plate with my own suggestions for new pharmaceuticals, that won’t keep you guessing as to what they’re supposed to cure and what happens to you once you take them.

Nobangerol – Created to curb the appetite of sex addicts, Nobangerol’s side effects include nausea, headaches, upset stomach, carpal tunnel syndrome, itching, rash, anxiety, hilarity, banality, along with the lovely “Rhea” sisters: gonor, pyor and diar.

Nomohavidol – Prescribed for gold diggers and shopaholics alike, Nomohavidol’s side effects include nausea, headaches, upset stomach, hangnails, long bangs, grey roots, paralysis, pretentiousness, arrogance, immodesty, big headedness and vaingloriousness.

Perforomist – Originally prescribed for asthma, Perforomist has also been known to treat circus folk and carnival people. Side effects include nomadic lifestyle choices, teen pregnancy, gingivitis, back hair growth, knuckle dragging, bone density, boneheadedness and the urge to dress like a clown and pile into a tiny car.

Hymorphineen – Designed for back injuries, knee pain, acute pain, chronic pain and children who are a pain, Hymorphineen’s side effects include drowsiness, dizziness, drooling, incoordination, pratfalls, high jinx, excitement, intrigue, euphoria and decreased gastric emptying.

Itakesanapaphene – A strong insomnia medication, Itakesanapaphene has severe side effects that include bed wetting, excessive snoring, foaming at the mouth, coughing, sneezing, happiness, grumpiness and dopey-ness.

Bageloxaprene – Normally prescribed for those who might need it, might not, what am I? A doctor now? Why couldn’t your sister marry a nice doctor? The guy she married, what a shmuck. Just kill me now. What, you’re going to torture me with grand babies that don’t have a doctor for a father? I should be so lucky to be a bubbe. Instead I get bupkis. Oy. Call the Rabbi Spiel. I think I’m gonna plotz.

Hypochondriatzatholl- Specifically for that special family member or friend who is always sick or has inane symptoms, Hypochondriatzatholl’s side effects include martydom, funeral crashing, excessive shopping, dry heaves, lightheadedness, schizophrenia, frequent hospital visits, frequent cemetery visits, boredom, depression, logorrhea and increasingly high phone bills.

Dunotwerkxylin – Similar to Hypochondriatzatholl, this drug is designed to help lazy individuals find jobs. Side effects include whining, bitching, moaning, denial, excessive drinking, homemade tattoos, bottle shooting, fireworks, chewing tobacco, more homemade tattoos, Walmart shopping, bail hearings, loogie hocking and disappointing friends and family.

Blonfixyeral – Though not specific, Blonfixyeral, along with Brunettadone, were created to help common symptoms like confusion and density. Side effects include staring at orange juice containers because the label said “concentrate,” misreading M&Ms as W&Ws, writing the word “flip” on both sides of a piece of paper in order to keep busy, declaring that Cheerios are donut seeds, being Vanna White so they can learn the alphabet, putting an iPad in the blender in order to make apple juice, bringing a ladder to a bar because they heard the drinks are on the house, and also giggling, uncontrollably.

Flintstones Chewable Acid – Initially designed for depression, this feel-good drug helps cure the blahs. Side effects include attending Grateful Dead shows, attending Dave Matthews Band shows, attending Phish shows, making tye dye shirts, wearing tye dye shirts, naming bongs, donning Birkenstock sandals year round, dreadlocking your hair, fear of shaving, fear of shaving your armpits, buying a 1968 VW Bus, visiting the Ganges River in India where the ashes of Jerry Garcia were spread, reading Timothy Leary books, turning on, tuning in and dropping out.

Oranjitol – A newer drug, this one came on the market four years ago and has since grown by several thousand percent. Oranjitol helps those who suffer from election fatigue, debate misperformance, lagging poll numbers, skewering political ads and excessive lying. One major side effect is river ballots; other side effects include arrogance, bigotry, conceitedness, emoluments, using the word, “premedication,” listening to “Beyoncey,” paying hush money, having an aversion to mask wearing, playing golf, dismantling offices, fake tanning, fake-news, embracing the “Big League,” experiencing tiny hand syndrome, Googling the word, “covfefe,” Googling the word “biggerest,” finding “Nambia” on a map, reading “Two Corinthians,” inciting violence, and not paying taxes.

Newsletter