In 2020, our never-ending coronavirus and election news cycle normally contains important information for readers about issues they should know​. This is not one of those stories.

REAPER MADNESS: A Florida man dressed as the Grim Reaper to warn beach goers about the dangers of COVID-19. “We are dealing with a deadly virus,” Mr. Death said. “The message is that I love our beaches. I want us to come back to using our beaches permanently but if we do this too quickly, we won’t get there.” Meanwhile, the same man dressed as Carmen Miranda to alert folks at a local grocery store that the peaches were soft and also donned a blond wig, an ill-fitting suit and orange make-up, warning of an impending hurricane, saying “it’s tremendously big and tremendously wet.”

NOT THAT KIND OF CARROT: A California woman ate her engagement ring while dreaming about it. The gal said she was on a high-speed train that was racing down the tracks when some “bad guys” appeared and the only way to protect her 2.4 carat diamond ring was swallow it. Said her fiancé, “I’m so glad I didn’t buy her that new Mercedes instead.”

WHERE’S MY JUICE BOX: A five-year-old Florida boy got locked in an Igloo cooler, which was caught on surveillance video. Little Johnny also eats paste and chases parked cars. Said his mom, nibbling on cardboard, “I thought dumb skipped a generation.” Said his dad, “We should have saved the money instead of buying that security camera and had him tested.”

FOWL ODOR: Firefighters in Britain spent three hours extinguishing the flames from a blaze that started with a 22-ton pile of chicken manure. No injuries were reported but one firefigher asked: “Why did the chicken cross the road?” Apprently, to poop.

TOOTH BE KNOWN: A Tennessee boy who addressed a message in a bottle to the Tooth Fairy after losing a tooth at a South Carolina beach received a reply in the mail from a stranger. Read the note: “Stop throwing trash in the ocean, you rotten little puke.”

BELLE OF THE BALL: A 96-year-old Pennsylvania woman has become the first person at her local bowling alley to roll a “no tap 300,” meaning she knocked down at least three pins in each frame. Tragedy struck however when the nonagenarian slipped and broke a hip on several butterscotch candies that fell from her housecoat. “Dammit,” the woman said, grabbing a tissue from her sleeve. “I could have played Bingo.”

BROAD APPEAL: Engineers investigating why an entire Welsh village lost broadband signal at the same time everyday for 18 months said they finally identified the source: an elderly resident’s old TV set. The firm that maintains television and broadband internet said electrical interference was to blame. The elderly man’s TV from 1971 was immediately seized. He was given a remote control with no batteries and was seated in front of a unplugged kitchen microwave. Said one snarky engineer: “Let’s see what he watches now.”

STAIN ALIVE: Luxury brand Gucci is turning heads online for an unusual piece of high fashion apparel: a pair of $1,400 denim overalls designed to look like they are already grass stained. Said one man from Kentucky: “Darn, I’ve got a whole laundry basket full of my dirty drawers that could be worth a fortune.”

INDIGESTION: An Illinois man is celebrating the 60th birthday of an unusual keepsake — a sandwich that he has kept frozen ever since it was half-eaten by Richard Nixon in 1960.The retro-foodie said he was a Boy Scout when Nixon visited the town during a 1960 campaign stop. The future president attended a cookout and ate half of a buffalo chicken sandwich, which the man then took home to keep in his freezer. Said the hungry man: “I had to move a few body parts around but then I found the sandwich next to Walt Disney’s head.”

GET THE KINKS OUT: Police in the U.K. reponded to a call from a man who became trapped in a pair of handcuffs in an apparent case of romance gone awry. Said an officer to the man: “I’ll help you get out of the handcuffs, but as far as the leather bustier is concerned, you’re on your own.”

KINKY BOOTS: Police in Britain responded to an early morning call from a man who became trapped in a pair of handcuffs in an apparent case of romance gone awry. Officers responded to a home to help a couple having difficulty with a pair of handcuffs. Said one officer: “I’ll help you with the handcuffs, but as far as the nipple clamps go, you’re on your own.”

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