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News alert: The weird and wacky

By George Pelletier - Milford Bureau Chief | Sep 5, 2020

Wash the orange from your eyes and forget the beltway for the moment; the following is the real fake news:

Fowl play: A Nebraska man asked the Lincoln city council to stop restaurants, and others, who insist on referring to chicken tenders as, “boneless chicken wings.” His warbling contention was that boneless chicken wings are composed of meat that doesn’t come from the wing of a bird. The man suggested several names, including “wet tenders,” which the board allegedly denounced, saying it sounds too much like the name of a porn star.

Mule never know: A donkey in the United Arab Emirates was found with a plastic chair stuck around his head. Salem Al Kaaib said he was driving to his farm when he noticed the loose animal. Said the donkey, “I don’t mean to be a jackass, but I’m missing a table somewhere.”

Out on a limb: A diver who takes daily plunges in California’s American River recently found a prosthetic leg. “First I tickled the foot, but nothing happened,” said the far-sighted man. The leg was eventually returned to its owner who said, “Thank goodness. I’ve been walking around in circles for months.”

Give the guy a hand: A New York state man broke a Guinness World Record for most alternating one-handed claps in one minute, managing 853 claps. It’s unknown if the man was one-armed, or what, if not who, he had been slapping all day. But said one doubting Guinness expert, “There is dishonesty afoot.” Added another Guinness expert, “We’re keeping abreast of this situation.” Noted a third Guinness expert, “We’re just trying to stay ahead of this.” A fourth expert was simply taken aback.

Drink too much and you’ll bark: Those old hounds at Anheuser-Busch have sold out of their new “Dog Brew,” a beer that has no alcohol and is designed to be enjoyed by man’s best friend. One man who sampled the beer himself said, “It doesn’t taste that bad. I stopped scratching for fleas and just look how shiny my coat is now.”

What a croc: A caiman, which is a reptile similar to an alligator, was captured in an Oklahoma City neighborhood after about five weeks on the loose. The gator was found in a man’s bed. Said the man, “I had no idea. I just thought my wife was getting frisky.”

Just plane stupid: A new video game takes a new twist on the concept of a flight-simulator, by offering the realistic experience of taking a long commercial flight in economy class. The game takes two hours longer than it says on the box, includes no peanuts, but does come with a small man who kicks the back of your chair the entire ride.

I Got You, Abe: A lock of Abraham Lincoln’s hair wrapped in a telegram stained with the 16th president’s blood is up for auction online. The Boston auction house said the hair and telegraph, which provides the details of Lincoln’s assisnation in 1865, is expected to fetch $75K. Meanwhile listed on eBay: “One black stovepipe hat. Small hole, barely noticeable. Only worn once to the theatre.”

Crapshoot: Sanitation workers cleaning out a vault toilet in the Flathead National Forest in Montana said they found a “poop-soaked phone” at the bottom of the toilet tank and were shocked to discover it still works. What was more shocking was that someone found the phone and the first thing they did was put it up to their face and ear. Said one of the sanitation workers: “When I saw that happen, I just crawled into the fecal position.”

All the Hoopla: An Ontario 11-year-old broke a Guinness World Record when she solved 30 Rubik’s cubes one-handed while hula hooping. Guinness said Sankavi Rathan, 11, of Mississauga, solved 30 of the puzzles with one hand while keeping a hula hoop moving around her body, beating the previous record of 25. Next up, she’ll try doing the same stunt while escaping a straight-jacket hanging upside down over a fire pit while juggling magician David Blaine’s many failed dates.

Draft notice: A California man attempting to defend his home from a wildfire said he turned to an unusual source of help when his water was shut off: several cases of Bud Light beer. Chad Little said he decided to stay behind when his family evacuated their Vacaville home last week as the LNU Lightning Complex Fires approached their neighborhood. In tears, the man was thankful that he saved his home but sobbed, “That was my last six pack.”

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