I did it. I went camping in the great outdoors. Braved monster mosquitos (I fended them off with my “Camping for Dummies” book), swam in cold water (we have a pool heater at home so I’m not sure what this nonsense was for), ate several grilled food groups, and slept on what I think was Stryofoam-blend bedding. Every time I rolled over, I squeaked.

As far as the betting pool is concerned, whoever had me dropping out of the trip after 27 minutes into the car ride there to Saco, Maine, pay up – I lasted the entire four days.

And to clarify, it wasn’t exactly glamping – it was roughing it- like being in a hotel with really bad room service.

But I was the victor in my camping trip. I came. I saw. I vamped.

Not like the dopes on “Naked and Afraid,” (my trip was more like “Clothed and slightly inconvenienced”). Certainly not like on “Survivor.” My mates and I weren’t out to get each other. Perhaps it was a bit closer to “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.” (There were champagne dreams- we had mimosas in the mornings, but no caviar wishes – I think we did have some beef jerky, though, that even the dog wouldn’t eat.)

My camping buds Tyler and Patrick did an honorable job making me feel like a lumberjack. But as there was little to do but eat and drink, I was a bit more like a slumberjack.

There was a pool and a hot tub at this fancy schmancy joint and we even had a golf cart to get to the showers or general store. (I once drove the cart to the trolley to the beach.) I suggested that we use the golf cart to our advantage and drive old people around so they wouldn’t have to walk so far or risk being attacked by critters. I call the app, Ubear.

Patrick’s 7-year-old son was along for the fun. I bought him walkie-talkies, which turned out to be a great idea. He would roam away from the campsite a few feet away and radio into us his location.

I’d grab our walkie-talkie and ask him things like, “What’s your 20?” “Do you copy? How, do you have a printer?” and “How did you get on this channel? It’s reserved for authorized personnel.”

I also used an app on my phone that makes gas pain noises. I just kept firing those off to him via walkie-talking and listened to him howl with laughter. I’m pretty sure it was the app and not me after my fourth helping of beans.

People physical distanced and wore masks. I wore my Pennywise mask from “It,” which caused several people to really social distance from me. They moved campsites.

At night we read ghost stories to Patrick’s son as I enjoyed a cigar and some Jack Daniels.

One of the scariest stories we read was about a very tubby man with an orange face and tiny hands who treated people poorly, was derogatory toward women and terrorized an entire country. I told Patrick’s son he could choose the setting of this horror tale: I wrote Thailand or Yosemite on a piece of paper.

The boy pronounced both of them perfectly. Ah, the wonder of children and their ability to make a grown a man look like a bumbling oaf.

One night we heard our camp neighbors arguing loudly so to be polite, we went into the camper where we could hear them better through the window.

I think camping in close quarters was too much for the couple, hence my next plan. Divorce Acres Campground, where people go to fight and sort their differences and ultimately, where the wood isn’t the only thing that gets split.

I was amazed at the size and expense of summer of the mega-campers that surrounded us. One man, wearing suspenders and a belt (guess you can’t be too careful), was watching his big screen TV outside. I did the only respectful thing and watched his TV too with my night vision goggles.

Next time I’ll bring my covert listening device so I can hear the sound as well.

My friends went fishing one day, but I for the life of me couldn’t figure out why we just didn’t go to the seafood department at the grocery store a few miles down the road.

I suspect I’ll go camping again, but next time at a campground that has a spa and on-premise masseuse. Perhaps a lobby and a bellman. A stocked mini-fridge. And a mattress that’s not made of packing peanuts.

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