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Shopping in the shark tank: Nothing is gained by engaging in aisle rage

By Mike Morin - For The Telegraph | Aug 15, 2020

Staff photo by Kevin Jacobus^^Mike Morin, 7/19/2005.

I just upped my umbrella policy to $1 million. Sooner or later I’m going to run over someone while moving in the wrong direction as I search for Ritz crackers. Grocery shopping has now become America’s most dangerous activity, right behind what the people do that I saw on Shark Week recently. All that’s missing is the Jaws Muzak theme on the overhead speakers: “duh duh duh duh duh duh duh.”

I wish supermarkets would outfit their carriages with fins so I could spot blood-thirsty shoppers from a few aisles away. You know, the ones who get torqued off when you accidentally (or not) go against the red arrows on the floor, intended to guide you to follow the school of guppies in front of you. Yes, I’ve gotten that look a time or two. Have you? Anne Marie has.

“I went down an aisle the right way and then realized one of the things I wanted was (behind), so I walked back toward the beginning of the aisle, leaving my cart where I stopped and realized I passed where I wanted and a lady reprimanded me.” Road rage has crept from the Everett Turnpike to your local shopping outlet. Christina finds nothing is gained by engaging in aisle rage.

“(Wearing) Masks and keeping your distance should be enough. We don’t need people telling us to do the Hokey Pokey and turn your ass around (just because) that’s what it’s all about.” No one likes getting yelled at by strangers wearing stinky masks. I refrain from initiating any criticism of my fellow shoppers. You just never know who’s packing a can of Goya beans, ready to huck at you. Joe brings humor to the situation when he inadvertently goes against the floor arrows.

“If I accidentally go down the wrong way, I walk backwards, making the beeping sound.” When it comes to getting dirty looks, Tally has a good point.

“With a mask on, how do you know you are getting a dirty look?” Speaking of that, when traffic is bumper-to-bumper in an aisle, there’s nothing worse than being in front of a shopper who never got the memo about mask washing and teeth brushing. If we are not careful, the next pandemic could be maskatosis. Don’t bother Googling it. I just made that up.

Even more annoying to me is realizing that I missed the mayo and have to bypass the next wrong way aisle, then return to the mayo aisle to get the jar. I will confess that I blatantly broke the one-way rule today to score a tub of ice cream. Traffic was light. I peeked around the corner to assess my chances of getting caught walking the wrong way. The coast was clear. No one around to throw me the stink eye. Janet is working on her own one-way aisle choreography. “I don’t need to go down every lane. That messes me up. I use to skip the liquor aisle, not anymore.”

I get that.

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