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Zoom fails: ‘Don’ts’ for your next virtual meeting

By George Pelletier - Milford Bureau Chief | Aug 1, 2020

Zoom meetings are a relatively new concept to people who are now living and working in a virtual world. Some people have easily gotten the hang of it, and they understand how etiquette works and what to have or not have sitting in the background. Others aren’t so technologically advanced.

I did a Zoom not long ago and one woman was sitting at her desk which was in her bedroom. She was rather well composed, considering that one of her bras was sitting on a chest at the foot of her bed. I couldn’t make out every fine detail but I’m relatively certain that this bra had three cups. So, I’m guessing she bought it at Marshall’s, where everything is irregular.

There are plenty of missteps to be had and howled at. Here are a few examples:

Rap it up: During a statistics class, as the many tiles on the Zoom screen populated with the attendees, one student didn’t know that he was on live because he was too busy singing a rap song. While decorum prevents me from fully exposing the burgeoning rapper here today, suffice it to say that the song lyrics that he rattled off so melodically included mentions of the diminutive size of his manhood, a horny monkey, and a great deal of “moaning.”

Ugly mutations: During a Zoom broadcast, a woman is unaware that she is not muted, and expounds on what a lousy lover her boyfriend is and that she intends to dump him, toot sweet. The biggest problem wasn’t that the guy was bad in the sack; it was that his mother was also on the Zoom callm, because she worked at the same college as the bad breaker-upper. F-bombs filled the air, like confetti at a clown college until another listener said, “We can hear your conversation and we don’t’ want to.”

Let’s be blunt: During a college class Zoom, one student, apparently bored with the professor’s lecture, proceeds to roll a marijuana cigarette on camera, unaware that the rest of the class can see him through his camera. Video was not the only thing that was rolling this day. Personally, the only joints I know are the flim-flam kind in back alleys that you take your moll to where she blows on your dice.

Panty waste: A woman was doing a Zoom call when her soccer-playing husband sashayed in the background wearing his favorite team’s jersey and only a pair of tighty-whiteys. She tried to shoo him away, but when he finally realized he was only sporting his cleanest B.V.D.s (one can only hope) and was live on camera, he attempted to run out of the room, but crashed into a wall. He was drinking something from a mug but the more that I watch this video, the more I am convinced that this guy wasn’t drinking coffee. And for the record, how many blends of java make you belch uncontrollably?

Incontinent: A student in the U.K. entered the wrong Zoom code and wound up in a Zoom classroom in the United States, which peeved the American teacher to no end, especially because the student was in no rush to vacate the premises. “I got given the code,” he said. “I don’t care if you were given the code, you need to exit the meeting,” the p.o.’d teacher replied. “Am I in the wrong meeting? Is this an American meeting?” the man repeated. “Yes, and you need to exit right now,” Atilla the professor said. “Bub-bye,” the man said before exiting and re-entering the meeting. It appeared the man might have had one of those dopey cigarettes the doobie-rolling student in the other class was preparing. What happened next in unknown, but an unidentifiable voice can be heard in the U.K. student’s flat asking, “Did you order 11 pizzas?”

I’m sensing a trend: In yet another stoner Zoom video, a kid can be seen lighting up his bong on camera, replete with sound (slurp!) and the image of smoke, wafting around his head. “Can we not do that?” asked the Zoom host. “Miles, please don’t do that.” To which Miles said, “Does anybody want pizza?”

Class acts: During the first day of virtual learning, a professor asked that everyone in class un-mute themselves so that the class atmosphere would appear “real.” What followed was two people breathing heavily, one person loudly eating a bag of chips and a sound which can best be described as someone stepping on a duck.

Type-Oh: A woman in a Zoom seminar typed the message, “I hate this,” and instead of sending to one person privately, she sent the message to the entire Zoom room, including all of her educators. I’ll bet you’re pysched for grades! This is right up there with the person who accidentally sent an invite to their current boss to join their job interview on Zoom. I’m guessing they didn’t get the job. Or keep their old job, for that matter.

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