It is American showman Phineas Taylor Barnum who is widely attributed with saying, “There’s a sucker born every minute.” It’s that all-American mentality that the “As Seen On TV” brand was made for, marketing such wonderous pieces of pop culture crap as the Snuggie (a blanket with arms), the Shake Weight (a phallic-shaped paperweight) and the AB Rocket (a kid’s plastic sled). Here’s a list of the weirdest wonders ever sold on TV and trust me, it will take a tanker of Oxi-Clean to suds and rinse these unredeemably witless objects de hooey from your memory-foam brains.

String theory: For those who like stringing holiday lights on their john, there’s Bowl Brite, which will remind you whether someone left the seat up or not: red means it’s up and green means you should not sit down or expect the inevitable splashdown. Now you too can enjoy a midnight stroll to the bathroom and while singing “Deck the Halls.” A great accompaniment to hoarded toilet paper.

Give them the brush off: Introducing: The Press 2 Paste hands-free toothpaste dispenser, perfect for kids who rub a balloon through their hair, only to moronically stick their head to the wall. The commercial shows a kid uncontrollably squirting toothpaste all over the bathroom like it’s a can of silly string. If your child can’t put toothpaste on a toothbrush, you’re probably that parent that has to hide the packing peanuts or your kid will eat them.

It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity: If you like to bake bread in your skivvies, there’s Sauna Pants. Any professional trainer worth listening to will tell you that the key to achieving fitness goals is a humid crotch. Calories? Schmalories! Forget all about that carbo mumbo jumbo, just cover your groin with an electric blanket. See the pounds melt away along with any chance you ever had of having a kid.

A tiny “if,” a small “and” and a big “butt”: Booty Pop – the butt pillows made to enhance your rump. Seriously. They are actually bogus buttocks sewn into your undergarments – perfect for those long flights when a neck pillow is out of reach. Simply put a pair of these padded underpants over your head and watch as other passengers point and laugh at you with admiration! So, if you like big butts and you cannot lie, these have your name on them. Actually, to have your name sewn into these, it probably costs extra. Extra embarrassment. I blame the Kardashians for the counterfeit keister craze.

This spuds for you: Cleaning and peeling potatoes got you down? Fear not (just run for the hills), there’s Tater Mitts. These are great for that potato-peeling contest you’ll enjoy at your post COVID-19 swap meet. So, if you’re on KP duty, are OCD or starch intolerant, these mighty mitts will skin any large quantities of fruits or vegetables or take the rust off a chrome bumper, whichever comes first.

Let’s neck: If someone wearing a ski mask told you they were going to wrap a rubber device around your neck and use a pump to slowly increase the pressure and pull your head away from your shoulders, you’d probably wonder why your assailant was being so detailed and upfront about your final moments on earth. But rest assured, you’re wearing the Neck Magic Air Cushion! If you don’t lose consciousness because your airway is blocked, then just wait for soothing muscle and headache relief! Smelling salts, toe tag, not included.

Things are getting hairy: No secret here – My Secret Hair Enhancer is just can of Rustoleum to paint your bald spot. So, tackle that next yard project with My Secret Hair Enhancer and create that perfect unibrow you’ve been longing for!

Like buttah: Sticks of butter are so darn slippery! Trying to get just a shmear for your bagel can easily result in bent knives, missing fingers, even divorce. Thankfully, there’s EZ Butter, which slices your butter into perfect portions by shooting out of a plastic butter staple gun. Lost an eye to flying piece of butter shrapnel? Of course! And just think of how beautiful the EZ Butter dumb thing will look at your next yard sale or skeet shooting tournament!

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