I’m always amused when a friend says they’re taking their kids to see “Disney on Ice.”

I typically reply, “The one with all the skating mascots? Or the actual deceased guy who invented Mickey Mouse?”

Yes, with the latter I’m referring to Cryogenic Walt, who’s been rumored to be lying in a frozen state since his death in 1966. The alleged idea was to put him in an ice cube tray until they could thaw him and bring him back to life.

I have my theories about Uncle Walt. Maybe he’s living with Janis Joplin. Or he could be hiding in plain sight in the “Hall of Presidents.” Who could tell the difference?

And don’t get me started with “Frozen.” Ask me if I have seen that movie and you’re asking a loaded question. (“No, I haven’t seen Disney’s ‘Frozen.’ And I haven’t seen Disney frozen either, but I hear he’s buried somewhere beneath the ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ ride in Anaheim, California.”)

Whether dear Walt is floating in heaven, or floating in liquid nitrogen, it remains to be seen.

What I’m slightly more fascinated by are the rides at Disney parks in all their lame wonder. Sure, they were fantastic 50 years ago. Disneyland opened in 1955; Disney World in 1971.

Now as it takes a bundle of Benjamins and a bit of bravery, to visit their newly reopened Disney World park amid a mad spike in Florida COVID-19 cases, I think the creative brains behind the illusions have let their collective magic wand go limp.

For every single new ride that is phenomenal (Star Wars: Rise of the Resistance), there is a bevy of blah, a cornucopia of crud and a smorgasbord of shmaltz. Many old attractions have thankfully closed. So, in no particular order, here are the worst of the worst attractions at Disney. You must be this tall to yawn on this ride.

The Swiss Family Robinson Treehouse: Opened in 1962, this wreckage could have used a HGTV extreme makeover. Ordinarily, a staircase leading towards the treetops would be breathtaking anywhere else, but with bigger and faster rides at Disney, a walk through an abandoned house really can’t compare. Maybe they called the folks at “We Buy Ugly Tree Houses.” This attraction was thrown in the woodchipper in 1999.

Disney’s Carousel of Progress: This 21-minute attraction should come with a neck pillow. That would be progress. Instead, this buzzing gnat of an attraction from 1975 features nostalgia necessary to preserve Disney’s history but really… a kitchen hand mixer? A push button phone? A Medic-Alert button? (“Help! I’m bored and I can’t get out!”) Innovative? Yeah – like a nap vessel.

The Country Bear Jamboree: This anthropomorphic, redneck, stuffed bear-led musical revue more than lost its luster over the years. Worse than that? It inspired a putrid movie, “The Country Bears.” The best thing about that movie? Walking out. This attraction went into permanent hibernation in 2001.

Rock n Roller Coaster staring Aerosmith: This ride is not a stinker, in fact, it’s pretty good. But trying to imagine the geezers who are Aerosmith today, Steven Tyler and Joe Perry, rock’s very own Golden Girls, riding this thing is a little like watching your nana twerk on TikTok. It may give you a funny tummy.

Tomorrowland Transit Authority PeopleMover: Yes folks, it was practically a conveyor belt for the lazy and inane. Built in 1955, it’s now closed, but not before millions and millions of Magic Kingdom fans everywhere got hit in the head with cell phones falling out of PeopleMover cars overhead. Tomorrowland became yesterday’s news in 1995.

The Carousel: A staple, whether it is Prince Charming’s Regal Carousel (Magic Kingdom), King Arthur’s Carousel (Disneyland), Cinderella Carousel (Disneyland Hong Kong), Castle Carousel (Disneyland Tokyo), Fantasia Carousel (Disneyland Shanghai) or Le Carrousel de Lancelot (Disneyland Paris), there’s not much to say: You ride a fiberglass horsey around in circles and you never catch up to the one in front of you.

The Great Goofini’s Barnstormer: This ride is an example of Disney’s sleepy and dopey imagination at work. The sole purpose of the Barnstormer is to be a kid’s first rollercoaster. That said, the tired re-theming in 2012 to keep this attraction in the “New” Fantasyland’s Storybook Circus makes zip-ah-dee-doo-dah sense. As the fable goes, this attraction is supposed to be part of the Great Goofini’s circus performance, but there’s really no mention of the circus anywhere to be found. I rode it once with a bearded lady who was quite the sword swallower. Does that count?

Tom Sawyer Island: Opened in 1973, this spot rarely saw activity, probably because there is nothing to see. Maybe if they had combined it with the Haunted Mansion and a ghoulish Becky Thatcher popped out from behind a tree, I could see it. The island was foreclosed in 2016, but as Disney real estate is at a premium, rumor has it that Trump bought it and is planning to put a casino there, just to bankrupt it.

Living with the Land: This is a waste of a Fastpass and is dreadfully laborious for kids. Great, however, for euphoric foodies who think a farmers market is redonk cray-cray. The tram trip is a dud, even when its produce pops up on restaurant menus around the Disney resort. Zzz. For more excitement, go to NYC with friends and take the “D” train to Coney Island. Everyone can put money in a pool to see who gets panhandled first.

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