Staff photo by Kevin Jacobus^^Mike Morin, 7/19/2005.

What do you get when you combine the aromas of seared steak, gunpowder, raspberries and rum? I realize you’re expecting a punchline after that question. But it’s no joke, Jack.

You get the smell of outer space, of course. NASA made that announcement last week. The space agency wants future astronauts and space travelers to be prepared for what space smells like. And in the spirit of American entrepreneurship, you can now buy a bottle of Eau de Space for just $29.

I’m pretty sure that if I were in the Space Station twirling uncontrollably in zero gravity, the smell I’d be generating would also be out of this world. Does Roto-Rooter make capsule calls to space? “Houston, we have a problem and it doesn’t smell like rum or raspberry.”

I wanted to send $29 to the space station to buy this extraterrestrial potion but wasn’t sure what currency was exchanged on an International orbiter with other countries involved. Not to be deterred, I remembered some company was selling land on the moon. Surely, a lunar acre there would be cheaper than even a quarter-acre lot in Nashua.

I went to lunarland.com and sure enough, there were choice parcels starting at just $29.95 per acre. With any luck, I might get the very spot where, in 1971, astronaut Alan Shepard Jr. took out a Wilson 6-iron and whacked a golf ball 300 yards through that thin lunar sky with a 35-second hang time. I’ll pay an extra ten bucks if I can score that part of the moon.

My pulse quickened when suddenly, in the lower left corner of the web site, up popped a Live Support dialogue box where I could ask questions about my prospective purchase. I immediately typed a question to the person in the support center.

“Is there any waterfront property left on the Sea of Tranquility?” Surprisingly, I never got a response. The gal at the desk was probably on her dinner break. I grew impatient at such poor customer service. I Googled “Buy land on Mars.” Up came buymars.com and a website that looked exactly like the moon page.

Just like lunarland.com, an identical Live Support box appeared with the same smiling face wanting to help me buy a piece of the red planet. I got to thinking, is this girl in charge of selling the whole solar system? So, I fired off a question to the buymars.com support dialog box.

“I’m interested in a parcel with a nice sunset view of the moon Phobos. What are the prices?” And just like the moon page, all I got was crickets. It appears this same company has Realtors on Mercury, Venus and Jupiter. No wonder I didn’t get any answers. The same person is selling all these planets. I also noticed a 35%-off sale on damaged asteroids.

Looks like my best bet is that bottle of Eau de Space for $29. Just a dab behind my ears and social distancing will be easy to achieve.

Contact Mike Morin at mike morinmedia@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @MikeMorinMedia. His column runs the first, third and fifth Sundays of the month.

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