When CNN gets too cerebral, and Fox is, well, too darn Foxy, look no further than the following news items that won’t make you think twice. Not even if you try.

TANKS FOR NOTHING: Police in Louisiana were able to reel in a man captured on video swimming through a fish tank at a sporting goods store. The man, who resembled a young and virile Esther Williams, told a local news station that he plunged into the indoor aquarium at a Bass Pro Shop in Bossier City last week to follow through on a promise he made to followers on the social media platform TikTok. “I said that if I got 2,000 likes I would jump in the tank,” Aquaman said. “I got way more than that and didn’t want to be a liar.” Next up: Jacques Cousteau said he would jump a shark, but only after first taking the shark to dinner then a PG movie. I’m guessing there will be no heavy petting.

JAWS PART DEUX: A swimmer in Delaware was caught on camera prying a shark’s mouth open with his hands this weekend in an effort to free it from a fishing hook. The video shows the man grabbing onto the shark at a beach in Cape Henlopen State Park. He went into the water to unhook it after another person caught it, it was reported. “Everyone started yelling, ‘Shark, shark, get out of the water!'” said a beachcomber. The man, now one-handed, waved to say he was fine with his good arm. Meanwhile children poked at his washed-up, unattached hand thinking it was a starfish but found it odd that it was wearing a wedding band.

WHAT A CROC: Authorities in Kansas have closed a trail around a creek as they try to catch an alligator spotted there. The 5-foot alligator is believed to be one of two stolen from a pet store in the northeastern Kansas city of Manhattan last weekend, it was reported. Most shocking: That there is a place called Manhattan in a place like Kansas.

THAT’S NOT YOURS, IT’S ‘MINES:’ Authorities in northwestern Cambodia have scolded a man for his lawn decorations – old land mines and other abandoned ordnance still containing live explosives, an official said Friday. About 30 unexploded munitions were scattered around the man’s yard, said an official from the Cambodian Mines Action Center, the government agency that oversees mine clearance. Most alarming was one active mine hanging from a tree during a pinata game at his least favorite daughter’s birthday party.

I SCREAM: A Florida man is facing felony charges after police said he let a 12-year-old girl drive his SUV and told her to speed because he wanted to be a “cool father” – even though he is not her dad but rather a “friend” of the girl’s mother, who he politely referred to as his “old lady.” The creepy man also told police that his favorite mode of transportation was actually a white van stocked with candy.

FREDDY WHO?: A man, last name Krueger, who was seen on video charging protesters in New York while wearing a glove with four long, serrated-edged blades surrendered to authorities, the Queens district attorney said Thursday night. People were peacefully gathering on the overpass above the Cross Island Parkway when the man, jumped out of a vehicle Tuesday afternoon, yelling “Is this Elm Street?” and chasing protesters while wearing the knife-claw glove, said a press release from the office of the district attorney. He then shouted to the protesters, “Anyone know a good manicurist?”

TEARS OF A CLOWN: Tear gas is among the new flavors at a Hong Kong ice cream shop. The main ingredient is black peppercorns, a reminder of the pungent, peppery rounds fired by police on the streets of the semi-autonomous Chinese city during months of demonstrations last year. “It tastes like tear gas. It feels difficult to breathe at first, and it’s really pungent and irritating. It makes me want to drink a lot of water immediately,” said one moronic customer, who experienced tear gas at a protest. “I think it’s a flashback that reminds me of how painful I felt in the movement, and that I shouldn’t forget…. now, why the hell am I eating this again?”

I’LL MAKE THIS BRIEF: A man who had been kicked out of a McDonald’s restaurant for having no face mask threw a rock through the window, stole some underwear from a Walmart and surrendered when police threatened to set a dog on him, authorities said. The man stated, “I’ve had a really tough day. Got busted. Went to jail. And on top of that, I’m wearing underwear from Walmart.”

DON’T BOX ME IN: A Colombian advertising company is pitching a novel if morbid solution to shortages of hospital beds and coffins during the coronavirus pandemic: combine them. ABC Displays, a company name they apparently labored over, has created a cardboard bed with metal railings that designers say can double as a casket if a patient dies. So far, there have been no (under) takers.

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