Staff photo by Kevin Jacobus^^Mike Morin, 7/19/2005.

Somewhere in between the 1918 Spanish Flu and the current novel coronavirus, I had a happy childhood. Today, I flashed back to about 1958 as I stumbled upon my first childhood watch featuring Davey Crocket. Sixty years later, the King of the Wild Frontier has been replaced by the Apple watch, which allows me to Google Davey Crocket, as I discover Davey ran away from home at 13.

I would rather wear a sundial on my wrist. Today, I refuse to buy a full computer for $500 that sits where Davey used to live. It’s really a computer masquerading as a timepiece, yet another attempt to make me forget about the pioneer who lived over 200 years ago.

And while we fight the current pandemic, Davey, who preferred to be called David, supposedly, “Kilt him a be ‘are when he was only three,” the song claims. Not impressive as you’ll read.

The next edition of the Apple watch, expected later this year, listens to you washing your hands and tells you if you don’t spend at least 20 seconds doing so. I already know the non-mask wearers among us will attempt to disable that function. I’m going to miss singing Happy Birthday back-to-back to kill the required 20-seconds.

If Apple can program hand washing protocol, there are some other watch apps I’d like to see included. Here are a few:

Wouldn’t dieters love an Apple watch app that could detect how much food you’re shoving into your pie hole? Pre-set intake requirements and the phone gives you a warning when you get within 100 calories. Diet cheaters will, of course, wear the watch on their non-dominant wrist and keep shoveling away.

As a guy, I could desperately use a watch app that detects when I am scratching myself in socially unacceptable places. Ask for the Al Bundy app at the Apple store.

Some people talk with their hands more than they should. After two minutes of non-stop hand talking, your Apple watch will make the sound of a throat clearing to give you the hint. You might combine that with with the eating app for the type of people who talk with their mouths full.

Other Apple watch behavior modification apps might include one that cues you when you’ve been clapping too enthusiastically for a really bad entertainer, like an off-key singer or a comedian who might be bombing. Polite applause is fine, but after 15 seconds, you’ll hear the “shhhh” sound.

Lady Baba is requesting that Apple watches include an app that gives me, yes ME, a 120-volt shock if I do the YMCA dance at a wedding. A similar jolt will be administered to me for leading the wedding party in the Macarena or Electric Slide.

Finally, a watch app that can save my life, by stopping me from hand gesturing a rude driver from Massachusetts.

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