I couldn’t be happier to announce that my niece Victoria is a married gal as you read this – congrats to Tori and her new hubby Jonathan. The socially-distanced service was held at St. Patrick’s on Saturday.

I wanted to wear flip flops with my seersucker suit to the wedding at the church. I was told by my sister that I should dress up for the church and wear shoes. I said Jesus wore sandals, to which my sister replied, “he did not wear flip flops.” I know from my Catholic upbringing (I’m now a recovering Roman), that Jesus doesn’t care what shoes I wear. The most important thing is that I shocked him by just going to church in the first place.

Weddings, especially now, are so tricky. Everybody is trying to figure out what’s appropriate except for people in Las Vegas, who can get married at a drive-through chapel and get fries with that.

I have been best man at a couple weddings and was told at one of them by the couple that they’d hoped I would refrain from sharing embarrassing stories about them. So, when I got to the microphone, I said, “The lovely couple has asked that I not tell embarrassing stories in my toast. So, that’s it for me! Enjoy the chicken!

I think there are two secrets to a great marriage: have a good sense of humor and a short memory.

Love is blind; marriage is an eye-opener.

I imagined that at my niece Tori’s wedding to Jonathan, someone would toast the couple by saying, “Here’s to your new life of co-quarantining!”

I drove by a church wedding once and a man opened the door for a woman. And I thought to myself, either the car or that lady is new.

Most men are incomplete until they get married. For me, I’d be finished.

I think marriage is just two people taking turns mashing down the trash in the hopes that the other one will finally cave and take the garbage out.

A police officer called into the station, saying “A woman just shot her husband for stepping on the floor that she just mopped.”

The sergeant asked, “Have you arrested her yet?”

“No, not yet” the cop replied, “The floor’s still wet.”

I weighed myself on the scale to see if I would fit in my suit for the wedding and sucked in my stomach. I know that doesn’t sound like it would help but it did. I could finally see the numbers.

A woman at a wedding once told me that I was a good-looking guy. “I’ve only had one drink, I promise,” she said. I replied, “Let me buy you another. It sounds like you need it.”

A couple was watching TV, sipping wine, when the wife said, “I love you.” Her husband asked, “Is that you or the wine talking?” She answered, “It was me. I was talking to the wine.”

I don’t know if I’m cut out for marriage. You have to deal with all those feelings. And lawyers.

Friends of mine had an amicable divorce. I know this because she wrote on Facebook that she was getting a divorce and he was the first one to like it.

I was buying my mom some flowers one time, and I noticed a guy next to me fumbling three bouquets and several boxes of candy. I asked him, “What did you do wrong?” To which he replied, “I got married.”

A couple was cuddling on the couch, the wife’s head on her husband’s shoulder, when she received a text from her husband. It read, “Move.”

I had a friend that was visiting me with his wife, so I asked if he needed directions. He said, “No, I have GPS and GPS override.” I asked him, “What’s GPS override?” He said, “My wife.”

I saw a Craigslist ad: “Antique cabinet refinished by my wife, $30. If she’s home, $100.”

A man was having a romantic dinner out with his wife when he said, “You look so beautiful under these lights.” The woman was over the moon until the man said, “We’ve got to get some of these lights.”

A husband pointed out his wife’s tendency to retell the same stories over and over again. She said, “You’re just as guilty.” To which he replied, “Allow me to clarify. I review. You repeat.”

A friend and his wife were driving in northern New Hampshire and spotted some mules by the side of the road. “Relatives of yours?” he asked. “Yeah,” said his wife. “Through marriage.”

Bigamy is having one husband to many. Isn’t that the same thing as monogamy?

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