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One bad decision after another

My Lifetime movie marathon

By George Pelletier - Milford Bureau Chief | Jun 6, 2020

I’ve officially reached a new low as stay-at-home 2.0 kicks it into June. Last weekend, boredom took an evil turn. I was channel surfing, somewhere between watching a documentary on how American film titles are lost in foreign translation (“Toy General Mobilization” is “Toy Story” in Chinese, while “The Boy Who Drowned in Chocolate” is Danish for “Willy Wonka”), and tuning into “How I Met Your Mother” on Telemundo (“Come Me Encountre Con Tu Madre”), I stumbled into an alternate universe: The Lifetime channel.

Sure, the acting is hokey. Yes, every Lifetime movie looks like they used the same interiors and sets from every other Lifetime movie. Yup, that’s “Full House’s” Candace Cameron Bure in her 900th Lifetime movie. And wow. I can’t believe Lindsay Lohan doesn’t make more of these – they’re perfect for her – very high cheese content.

Like watching a horrific crash in slow-motion, I couldn’t look away. Did that teen really carry a stolen baby to term? Did that snooty socialite’s plane to Paris really have to emergency land . . in Maine? Does my butt look fat in these jeans?

Someone get me to a tractor pull, STAT.

That said, in no particular order, here is what I have learned from watching Lifetime original movies. Bonbons, Kleenex and air sickness bag not included.

Stroke of genius: In “Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life,” a teen swimming prodigy becomes addicted to the wicked ways of internet porn, ruining his life and tearing apart the family around him. The kid never truly acts on his impulses. Which is a bit like slugger Hank Aaron leaning into a pitch only to get beaned by the ball every time. Hit it already. Nice to know that young lead actor Jeremy Sumpter went from playing “Peter Pan” in 2003, to playing Peter Porn in 2005. That’s called stretching as an actor.

Buy, buy baby: In 2004’s subtly-titled “Baby for Sale,” a couple (of idiots) discover that the baby girl that they’re trying to adopt is being auctioned off to the highest bidder. (Damn you eBay!) So, the couple becomes part of a sting operation to bust the baby ring. Bust the ring? Bust a gut! This “fact-based” crud has all the fixins’: a Hungarian lawyer, silent FBI lawmen, and ultimately, the whole baby-bidding thing is just a misdemeanor charge. If, however, you’re into fat babies and your little bundle weighs more than fifteen pounds at birth, it become a felony.

X marks the spot: I realize that none of us actually ever plans to do porn, but in 2017’s “From Straight A’s to XXX,” our little protagonist pays her college tuition by becoming a porn star. I’m sensing a pattern. Inspired by a true story, here, the student goes to Duke University (and as we all know, Durham, North Carolina is the adult film capital of the world!) GIRL: “My parents can’t afford the $60K for tuition! FRIEND: “Why don’t you rob a bank? Or become a porn star?” End scene. When did robbing banks get so underrated?

Imagine the Yelp reviews: In “Deadly Daycare,” a young mom enrolls her kid in daycare, only to find out that the sinister teacher, Ms. “Wright,” (yup, that’s her name), wants to keep the child for her own! There is a back story, yada yada. This is every mother’s worst fear. And every viewer’s worst nightmare. It turns out that the teacher lost her baby in a car crash caused by the mom, hence, the give-me-your-daughter plot line. If you buy all that, I am not a crook, the check is in the mail and Mexico will pay for the wall.

This film needs triage: Contrary to popular belief, 2015’s “Stalked by my Doctor,” has nothing to do with a co-pay. Rather, when a teenage girl is miraculously saved by a dreamy/creepy heart surgeon, the doc begins to flirt with her. And daddy doesn’t believe her! Unbeknownst to all (except the dolt watching the movie), the doctor is obsessed with the girl, and he even fakes her death… so he can have her to himself. Oy. I wish I had faked my death several movies ago. Eric Roberts, who can’t overact himself out of a paper sack and smiles throughout the entire movie like a weird religious zealot, plays the sexy doctor. (I just regurgitated a little in my mouth.) There’s not enough saline on the planet to wash the horror from my eyes.

Kill switch: First there was “My Little Pony.” Now there’s, “My Little Assassin.” (1999). In this unbelievable wackadoodle of a movie, a girl becomes the girlfriend/FBI hitwoman of Fidel Castro, that hunky dictator/Casanova. The front of the DVD even has a picture of a young woman in the arms of Castro himself. Castro, a swoon-worthy stud? (Belch.) So, if you like old, slovenly men who reek of cigars and beard sweat, have 40 suits in their closet and they’re all army fatigue green and you like men whose bods haven’t seen the soapy side of a washcloth since the Cuban Missile Crisis, this duds for you.

Bloody hell: “Drink, Slay, Love,” from 2017, is about Pearl, a typical 16-year-old vampire. For rizzle. She’s allergic to the sun and is pretty cranky. Sounds like any typical teen. But… after a silly attack leaves her able to catch rays, her weirdo family (they make Gomez and Morticia Addams look like Mr. and Mrs. Cunningham), send Pearl to high school (duh) to gather fresh young blood for the vampire king. “I’m going to bite the next person that I see,” says an angry Pearl. “I’m going to bite the cable guy,” says me.

Sleep it off: A question no mom ever wants to be asked, “Mother May I Sleep With Danger?” (2016) stars never-award winning actress Tori Spelling. The plot goes as follows: Girl breaks up with boyfriend, after kissing another boy. Boyfriend kills boy. And then kills ex-girlfriend. Boyfriend then assumes dead guy’s identity and dates new girl in college, forcing her to cut her hair and look like dead ex-girlfriend. Mom of new girlfriend who poses as dead ex-girlfriend gets suspicious. I had a migraine for 11 hours after watching this. Why can’t Tori just go back to 90210! Because she doesn’t know how to spell it.

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