George Pelletier

With so many great shows and movies to binge-watch as the stay-at-home order reaches a crisis of its own, I’ve found some forgotten gems that you might have skipped over – fear not, I jumped on these grenades to protect the greater good. And trust me, if you have ever seen any of these shows, movies or specials, the words “greater” and “good” will never apply.

Watch this and you’ll be boltin’ too: The uber-bizarre “Michael Bolton’s Big, Sexy Valentine Special,” (2017) features the crooner in some weird special Twilight Zone of a holiday special, centered around a stupid story where Santa Claus recruits Bolton’s music-making skills (sort of like the oxymorons crash landing and clearly confused), to help the world make 75,000 new babies by Christmas to meet toy supply (huh?). Listening to hipster Bolton would likely send any newborn promptly back to the womb. “How am I supposed to live without you?” by the singer, begs the obvious answer: Pleasurably.

Quick – hand me that noose: “Idle Hands” (1999) Available on VHS tape, Beta tape and likely gauze tape (to heal thyself), this croaker is literally about a stoner whose hand develops a mind of its own and goes on a killing rampage. For most potheads, this probably sounds alluring – you’ve got one hand that automatically knows how to properly use a carburetor on a bong – but for the rest of the cast in this movie, the kid’s parents, his friends – everyone shakes hands with the devil. Devon Sawa, an ’80s heartthrob, after this film, likely found a future in oil. As in, “Welcome to Jiffy Lube! Can I change your oil?”

Speaking of stoned…: “Stone Cold” (1991) features former Seattle Seahawks star and future Oscar-winner (not) Brian Bosworth as a renegade cop who goes undercover to take down a white supremist biker gang. (I mean, “there were fine people on both sides.”) Let’s check our list: does a guy get his hand mutilated in a motorcycle wheel? Yup. Is there a Komodo dragon in the film? Yes. It’s called the ‘movie’ because it’s a draggin’. Does a guy dress like a clergyman to smuggle weapons into a courtroom, where a bloody gun battle ensues? Rat-a-tat-yeah. Can Bosworth act? Out of a Seahawks uniform, yes. Out of his gourd, absolutely.

Someone call PETA: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson stars as “Hercules” (2014). If you can buy the Rock with luscious locks and terrible acting moments (they start during the opening credits, and end when the movie informs the audience that it’s “The End”), Johnson’s acting chops are so bad, if you’ve ever seen a “Fast and Furious” flick, there he looks and sounds like he’s playing Hamlet. I don’t know what I liked better – the club that makes him look like Bam-Bam or the hat he makes out of a lion’s head. On the bright side, that lion didn’t have to sit through this wanker of a movie while still breathing.

Bad film, bad film, whatcha gonna do?: Will Smith, the only actor to ever be out-acted by Will Smith (in last year’s leg cramp “Gemini Man”), returns with Martin “Did someone say paycheck?” Lawrence in “Bad Boys II” (2003). The plot: Two loose-cannon narcotics cops investigate the flow of ecstasy into Florida from a Cuban drug cartel. This gas pain of destructorama has all the editing beats of an adult film. A really bad one.

Center square to blech: In the “Paul Lynde Halloween Special,” (1976), the Hollywood Squares ham borders on absurd. Margaret Hamilton, the Wicked Witch of the West herself, co-stars as Lynde’s housekeeper. If I were her, poor dear, I’d have been praying for a house to fall on me. And if one witch isn’t enough, Witchiepoo, from “H.R. Pufnstuff,” also drops by. And in the suspend your disbelief department: Lynde appears as a long-haul trucker. Fear not, he’s wearing rhinestones. And later, he gets serenaded by a disturbingly sensuous Florence Henderson. Calling Mrs. Brady ‘sexy’ is like calling Trump, ‘a little peaked.’ Paul Lynde had a fantastic reputation in Tinseltown for being a bit of a boozer. In this special, he outdrinks us all.

Get back to class: 1996’s “Showgirls,” is probably the most entertainingly deficient films of all time. It stars “Saved by the Bell” rocket scientist Elizabeth Berkeley, who was attempting to shed her squeaky-clean image when she signed her name (or drew a unicorn, I don’t know) to star in this erotic thriller. Berkeley has exactly two acting emotions: hot and bothered. You should get tipped for a lap dance for having to sit through this blowsiness.

Mini-pearl: “Minipops” (1983), was a horrific show from the U.K. that featured young children singing then-contemporary pop songs. The adorable tykes were usually dressed to look like the adult performers. One famed performance by a kid was of the Sheena Easton song “9 to 5,” which caused national outrage when the 8-year-old sang the line, “Nighttime is the right time/We make love.” Creepy enough for you? The outcry caused the show’s cancellation. Even ankle biters asked the question, “What the hell?” Thank goodness this didn’t last. They probably had a Madonna song cued up.

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